The Hallam's - Suzan and Christopher

Snow Pictures

2011-01-10T19:53:00.000-06:00

Tree Line

Shadow still loves the snow even if he is a grumpy old man

This just turned out weird.

No More Rants - Just Observations

2011-01-10T16:05:00.000-06:00

The last few days I have spent really thinking about my life the last 2 years and some months. It seems that all the time from 2007 when we found out about Keith's cancer to now, I have lived in some kind of a dark fog. I have ignored the ones I love, which is unforgivable and hurt people not meaning to. I think I was lashing out at everyone who tried to get anywhere close to me again. I realize now that instead of letting you in, I locked you out because I was sure I would get hurt again and my heart was so bruised that it couldn't have taken anymore licks.

During all this time, I have had a very hard time with God. I have always had a deep faith, but this God that took away Keith wasn't someone I wanted to follow anymore. I yelled at him, and fought him, but you what he just wouldn't leave me alone. I keep pushing him away, but he would not leave my side. I remember the poem about him carrying you when you couldn't do it yourself. You know he is probably pretty tired these days from carrying me for so long. I guess what I am I saying, is we made up or at least I did to him. I know he was never really mad at me, just the opposite.

The fog is finally lifting and I am looking forward to the next phase of my life. Being home will be wonderful and working again will be great.

If anything good has come from the last few years it is the fact that I have grown deeper in my faith and I know God walks beside me now everyday. The old hymn says: "He walks with me and he talks with me." That is the relationship I have with him now. This has been a long journey and I hope the fog is lifting and I will see the sunshine again.

I know that I will still have my days, but I can also be assured that I will get though them with his help. So, bring it on.

P.S. - Keith if you can read this from Heaven, don't forget your promise to me. I love you darling and will see you again I know.

Four Words I Hate

2011-01-05T14:54:00.000-06:00

The four words are: "just get over it." Why you ask? Because for 2 years, 7 months and 5 days that is all I have heard from very well meaning people. Well folks, I am not "over it" and may never be. How do you get over someone that you have loved for so many years, built a life with and then say it's gone. You can't. You don't display the grief as much but it is like this little feeling inside that never goes away and you never know when it will pounce on you. You know its there just waiting for the moment it rises to the surface and then the tears won't stop. I have learned to hide it well. If I am at work, I run to the bathroom and pray my makeup doesn't give away to tears running down my face, or I have found big sun glasses help. Some days I walk around with swollen red eyes. My excuse is oh I got something in my eye. No one wants to hear "I'm crying because I miss my husband." I just don't think 20 years of loving someone can go away that fast. Also,maybe because no one knows what to say to you. It really wouldn't matter even done out of love it won't help. Let me grieve, let me miss him and all his quirks that I loved. You see when you lose the person you love, you don't just lose him, you lose you way of life and everything you had worked so hard to build. You go from being a couple to a oneness in a second. You have no time to prepare for it. They are there 1 second and gone the next.

My life has changed from security to no security, from my own home to someone else's. I think the hardest thing is not having someone you really trust to talk things out with and help make decisions with. I miss so many things about Keith. His kindness to anyone, the way he balanced me out and his funny British quotes. I would give anything for 5 minutes with him, but I know I am not the only one with that feeling. There are so many of us that would love to have 5 minutes more with their husband or wife.

Now it is time for another change that I am glad of, we are moving back to Atlanta. It is home and maybe the comfort of surrounding things will make it better. Life right now is full of changes and I hope good ones.

I will be with people that I love and love me. I will be back at my church which I plan on being at as soon as we get home.

Well that is my rant for the day. Hope you understand but right now my little black monster that lives in me everyday has decided to raise it ugly head and my eyes are red and swollen again. At least it's my day off.

Some recent picture

2011-01-01T21:08:00.000-06:00

The Pictures aew from various thing mosting Christopher's graduation and Thanksgiving. Hope you enjoy them.,

Happy New Years and here's to 2011

2011-01-01T20:41:00.001-06:00

I am finally getting my wish. On January 24,. we will be pulling out for the last time and heading back to Atlanta. I know I will never look back on these 2 1/2 years with anything good to say about them. There have been some good things happen. My present job as example. The people are helpful and friendly and I have enjoyed working with my clients. I will miss them the most, but fortunately I will be at another Jenny Craig Centre. There is much more room for advancement with a corporate office than a franchisee.

Christopher and I have been talking about the Peachtree Road Race and we may enter it. I may be the only one walking and will finish last I'm sure, but it goes with my exercise plan. You can't very well talk about it and not do it, so I will buckle down this year.
Well here's to 2011 and whatever it brings. Two things I now are 1. God is always right beside me.
and 2. He will always pick me up when I fall.

I hope everyone has a wonderful and blessed 2011.

Good night friends

Monday

2010-12-27T20:22:00.000-06:00

I hope that everyone had a good Christmas and are looking forward to 2011. Christopher and I are looking forward to it very much. The house in Bells has sold and we will be moving back to Atlanta by the end of January. We are both very happy and can hardly wait to be back with our family and friends. I am just excited to be also back in my church.

So many things have happened since we have been here. Some good, but mostly bad. They say that hindsight is 20/20, so I know that I have learned from these mistakes and they won't repeat themselves again. It has been a healing place. It has managed to put Keith's illness and death in the right perspective, but it will never change the fact that I wish he was still here. The memories are both happy and sad. I choose to remember both knowing he was a man who made mistakes too.

Christopher has joined the Navy and will be leaving for Boot Camp the end of July. When that is over then it is off to Charleston for anywhere from 6 months to 2 years. He was accepted into the NUKE program. It is a very hard school to get into and I am so proud of him. His plans as of today are to finish nuke school then go to college ( the Navy will let him do this) and major in nuclear engineering. When he graduates he will be a commissioned officer. He is thinking of making a career of the Navy.

I am working at Jenny Craig in Jackson and will be able to transfer to an office there. Before all that we have to pack up the house. We still have some boxes we didn't unpack from the move here.

I will keep you informed as it moves along.

Dear Keith

2010-12-24T08:23:00.000-06:00

Dear Keith,

This will be our 3rd Christmas apart and I wish I could say it gets easier, but I would be lieing. I know you are well now and spending your days talking with God. What is he like? I have to say that my faith has become deeper and more meaningful to me. I miss you everyday and think of you always. Your son has grown up to be such a fine young man with such a future ahead of him. He has joined the Navy and leaves for Boot Camp in July then to Nuke school in Charleston. You would be so proud of him. You always loved it when you were right. Well, I am not a country girl. We have sold the house and are moving back to Atlanta the end of January. I am praying that Mom does her part and gives me some of the money that is owed me for the stuff I did. Maybe she will. Christmas hasn't been the same without you. I see you in the kitchen "helping", waiting for the kids to get here, all out desserts, and the Trad. British dinner on Christmas Eve. Darling, I miss you so. I hope you are having a wonderful Christmas in heaven and Grandmama and Aunt Sissy have made a wonderful dinner. Someday we will be together again.

All my love,

Suzan

From my devotions today

2010-12-09T09:38:00.000-06:00

"Grief is different for a follower of Christ. Even in the depths of sorrow, hope breathes. Hope that you will see your loved one in heaven. Hope in God's capacity to infuse sufferine with hope. And hopethat because of his healing power, your sorrow will not go on forever."

This is my prayer. I am learning to walk hand in hand with both my grief and knowing that it gets easier everyday. Christ is walking with me too, leading along my way though the good days and bad. I don't feel guilt anymore when I laugh, I know Keith would have laughed too. They are leading me to healing and acceptance.

My relationship with God has grown stronger and stronger and he is with me on a daily basis now. He helps comfort me when I miss Keith so bad it hurts. It gets better everyday, slowly and steady.

Have a wonderful day

Why I wear black

2010-12-04T19:11:00.000-06:00

Things going on

2010-12-04T16:09:00.000-06:00

Well,we have much goings on here and I felt I needed to blog some. First, I AM NOT GETTING MARRIED. I realized it would have been a big mistake and was doing it for all the wrong reasons. That being said, we are trying to sell the house and go HOME!!!!! Atlanta. I can hardly wait to get back where I belong. I am a big city girl who enjoys the comforts of being able to find anything I need anytime.

That is not to say that I haven't learned some life lessons from living here. Some have been good and I have met some very nice people. But I will say the bad has out weighted the good. When you realize the mistakes you make it is time to take stock and make some changes. I need my life back, which I know doesn't include Keith in the physical means, but he will always be there with me. I listened to God and got enough signs that I actually said " I get it". This place can never be my home and I don't want it to be.

I have a job now If you can call it that. I work for Jenny Craig in Jackson. One of the benefits is I have lost weight. It has made me realize that even though I will always miss my darling husband, I do have a life and alot to give to a company. I know I am a smart woman with many years ahead of her.

There are days that the pain of losing Keith are as great as the day he left, but I try to put one foot in front of the other and keep going. Many days that is hard. I now have my good days as well as bad and take the good with the bad. If I want to cry I cry. It doesn't last as long as before. Nights are still the hardest. I still have trouble sleeping and that is when I miss him the most.

Now with the holidays upon us, I expect more tears than usual. As I have said before it was always our favorite time of the year. I know I will survive as I have the last 2.

So hopefully soon, the moving truck will be here and we will be packing for the last time and heading back to beautiful Atlanta.

All for now

New Blog

2010-05-11T13:06:00.002-05:00

I have started a new blog about my life now and what has happened since we moved here. If you would like to check it out the address is: www.suzanslifenow.blogspot.com

Just Click on the Wording

2010-02-23T22:49:00.001-06:00

New Video and they have changed how it is put on the blog. Just click on the second second

Various Pictures from all over

2010-02-23T22:48:00.000-06:00

Various Pictures from all over

I didn't realize it had been so long

2010-01-26T11:32:00.003-06:00

Things are going about the same here in big old Bells. I did find a part time job back in the spring and it has been fun. I am just working on the weekends at a place called Gander Mountain. They sell all kinds of stuff for outdoors. I have learned more about hunting than I ever wanted to know, but I have met some great people and that has been a benefit. The job ends this weekend and I will miss everyone. So, I am back to looking. One thing I have found out is everyone here seems to be in heath care one way or another. If you need a job in that field it is wide open other than that not much.

After being here also 1 1/2 years I do know the country isn't for me. I hate the fact that you go 15 miles to get anything or you are stuck with the little store here which has nothing and you have to watch all dates on packages. Believe me I have picked up things and then had to take more back than I like. I am dieing for a PUBLIX and Boars Head sandwich meat.

The house is finished but it is a constant upkeep. I would settle for an apartment and no yardwork or things breaking all the time.

Since this Sunday is my last Sunday to work, I am know going to start looking for a church in Jackson. I have been to the one in Bells and it isn't for me. I think Jackson will be more suited to my liking.

We went home Christmas and as usual I cryed when we left. I am just not a country girl so I miss the lights and feel of Atlanta.

Well that is the condensed version of life right now. I'll add more later.

Storms

2009-04-20T11:37:00.005-05:00

We had some bad storms this past weekend but no damage that goodness. We have had the craziest weather this winter and spring. One day it is in the 70's and the next in the 50's. I had said in Atlanta that if you didn't like the weather wait a minute and it will change. I think it applies even better for this part of the country. During one of breaks in the storms I was out walking my dog and saw the clouds. I can only say that they were beautiful and mad at the same time. Of course I got my camera and got some pictures. Then when I turned around I saw the Iris. I thought out of the storms you can always find something beautiful. It reminded me of how Spring really is and how I need to remember that. I keep trying.

Well, I got a job, but I left after 3 days. Selling cars is not for me. The 3 days I was there all they were trying to teach me was now to cheat the public. When I told them it wasn't for me, they said I must have to high morals. My comment back was "Thank you, I take that as a compliment. So I am back to looking, but with a calmer approach now as I know when the right job comes I will know. I have put it in God's hands.

My faith is coming back. I don't think I ever lost it, just forgot because I was so mad at God. I still mad but I know now that instead of turning away I am turning to him. I am finding some peace. I still cry and miss Keith everyday but there are times I can feel his presence with me. No, I am not crazy. I just don't think until you lose someone you dearly love can you totally understand that.

I have found the best thing is just staying busy and making myself do things is the best. There are stilll days that I just don't want to talk to anyone and if you call and I am short please understand I just might not be all there that day.

One Year Today

2009-04-06T17:23:00.004-05:00

Dear Keith,

One year ago today I lost you. I cryed that day and today I have cryed. I remember your smile, your touch, your hugs and your greeting everyday when you came home. I remember our home and the love that was there and I miss you more. You gave me strength and courage and were always my champion in what ever I did. You forgave my faults and there were many. You were always there. I miss your phone calls in the middle of the day when you called just to say "I love you". Those were special days and 20 years wasn't enough.

I think about the game that kids play called "Do Over". If I could go back and do over I would have made the hospital do a CT scan when we went to the hospital 2 weeks before the stroke. If they had would they have found the tumors then and given us enough time to start treatment. Did I let you know enough of how much I love you? Did I tell you enough times on that last day? Do you know now what a fine your man your youngest son is becoming and what he wants to do with his life? Do you know I start a new job tomorrow? I know what you would say. Give it all you have and more.

I remember I holding you in my arms that last week. I remember crawling up in your bed and just wanting to hold on to you always. I remember looking into your beautiful eyes and trying to keep my dignity when all I wanted to do was scream NO This isn't real and he will wake up in a few minutes.

Darling, I miss you and I love you still so much. I am thinking of you today but I do everyday.

All my love always,
Suzan

Interesting Week

2009-04-03T13:52:00.002-05:00

This week has been an interesting to say the least. It started Friday night about 2 in the morning with the dogs barking. I got up and went to the back door and nothing was there so I went back to bed. Well, they started again only this time at the front door. When I got up this time there was 2 kids pounding on the door wanting in. They said that someone was shooting at them (remember I live in the country). There was a truck outside and the kids car was in the ditch. There was no one shooting at anyone, but we would not let them in. We called the police and they already had a report . Well, it turned out hat they had been out destroying mailboxes. The police arrested them which turned out to be 4 kids aged 14 to 16. The next morning when I finally got up I went outside to find that our mailbox was totally destroyed. I really thought they had some nerve to pound on our down when they had hit our mailbox too. It is really sad for the families of these boys. We found out that they are from good families and have been doing this for quite a while. Saturday night they hit 61 mailboxes and they think they have done more and also knocking down street signs. The policeman we talked to said they had really messed up their live. The parents are going to have to replace all the mailboxes that were destroyed. The funny part is we don't have a mailbox and have a bucket on the post now. Thank goodness we have a good mailman. One of the perks of a small town.

Things seemed to calm down then yesterday when I was bring Christopher home there was a cow in the middle of the road. I went ot tell the owner but by the time I got back Christopher said the cow jumped back over the fence. Well this cow was determined to get loose and when I went out later and came back home she was out again. This time she just walked down the road like she owned it. I went back to the family that owns them and we had a nice visit. According to them she does it all the time.

Next week is Spring Break. Christopher and I had planned on going back to Atlanta but I start a part time job next week. At least it will give me something to do.

This has been also a hard week. This was the week Keith had gone to hospice care and April 6th is one year. I have trouble believing it is almost a year. How I wish he were still here.

I hope next week is a little calmer and no cows or midnight knocks at the door.

Christopher, Our Little Paper and More

2009-03-12T11:03:00.003-05:00

Christopher and the Band

When School started this year Christopher really didn't have any hope of playing since there is no orchestra, but what he didn't know was there was a rumor going around school that they had someone who played the cello. He tryed to lay low but one day someone heard him taking about it and he got caught. They asked him to join the band and he decided to. He first played the bass drum and being in a band is much different than an orchestra. He had to learn the bass drum, marching and much more but he seemed to enjoy it. After football season was over he went back to the cello.

He got to play the cello in both the Christmas concert and the Spring concert. At the Christmas concert he played both the bass drum and cello. The nice thing about all this is he has gotten very interested in other instruments and has started playing both the guitar and the keyboards.

This morning in all our rain and ice I went to the store for milk (yes we were really out) and picked up the little local paper. When I opened it the band was on the front page and if you look at the right of the picture you will see Christopher. He is the only one with a cello. He hated the picture but as a mom I have to brag. He doesn't like his profile. I scanned it the best I could so I hope you can see it.

We have had the strangest weather here. As you know we had snow (a lot) and then it went up to 80 so I was in shorts and now it is in the 30's with rain and ice. Of course in all this our heating went out and it is freezing. I really didn't mind it last night, I like to sleep when it is cool. Luckily we have someone coming out this morning to get it fixed (I hope).

Lately it has been hard for me. Maybe it is this time of the year but I find myself crying alot. It was this time last year that Keith was in hospice and the memories keep flooding back when you least expect this too. It never seems to get easier and I miss him more today than ever. There are times I just want to talk to him. It is hard being a single mom and I never really realized how much we parented together. I wish I could just ask am I doing okay or complain about having a 17 year old who think he can do whatever he wants too. I find I have to reel him back in. All I can do is the best I can and hope it is right.

I am still looking for a job and have a couple I have heard about so keep me in your prayers. I really need a job if anything just to stay busy.

Sunday something funny happened. I got a call early from someone on the other side of Jackson asking if we had a small dog missing. I told him we had given one away last summer, but he said my name was on the tags and he had tracked me down. Mom and I went over later that afternoon and now we have Callie back. I will never let her go. She had lost weight and was so tired. We have no idea how she got lost from the people we gave her too but to bad. If they didn't take better care of her then they will not get her back. I have to admit I had regretted giving her away anyway so I was very glad to see her. She had eaten and eaten and not let any of us out of her site.

Well, I better get busy and go to the store before it gets really bad. Sasha needs food and only likes one kind. Fussy Princess

Job Hunting and Musings

2009-03-06T10:25:00.002-06:00

I have decided to change my attitude and hope that I can come to enjoy this place again. This winter has been a hard one and my attitude went downhill fast. Things seem to be looking up around here. Jason is getting better and the fighting has stopped. Please continue to pray for his recovery. Hopefully he will not go down that horrible path again.

I may have a job. It is in the same field that I have been in. So I am keeping my fingers crossed that it will work out.

Christopher has made alot of friends and is enjoying school. He has taken a major interest in music and is playing in a band now. It is a rock band and he is playing the cello. Go figure. They have a talent show at school and the band will make its debut at that. He has also started playing the keyboards, bass drums and guitar. I ask him the other day if he was thinking about music in college and no he is still leaning toward medicine. One day its one thing and the next something different. His friends are very nice and I have had the oppointunity to met some of the parents. It is nice to finally met some people. We had a beautiful snow this past weekend and enjoyed it. Thank goodness it didn't last very long and get messy.

I know I have said this before but I promise I will try to do better with my blogging. I just haven't had the energy or feelings to do it. If I had posted anything it would have been negative and I am going to try to start looking at the good God has given us.

I know there is a reason he has brought me here and hopefully one day I will figure it out. I still want to go back to Atlanta, but the timing isn't right, right now so I will stay put.

Happy Birthday, Keith

2009-03-02T16:39:00.003-06:00

Today is Keith's 65th birthday. It has been a hard day when I think of all the other birthdays. We always had our tradition of going out to dinner and the birthday person got to pick where we went. This is the second year we haven't done anything on his. Last year he was in the hospital and my nightmare had begun.

The memories came flooding back today of all our years together and the fun we had. I still feel married and hate the term "widow". I look at my children and know they are hurting too.

I hope that Keith is celebrating his birthday with all the family members that have gone before him and he knows that we are thinking of him today and loving him.

Yesterday I thought of him and how he and Christopher would have been in the snow playing like they were both kids and yelling at me for either coffee, hot chocolate or hot tea. We always had either the American warm up or British warm up. We would have watched old movies and had a fire and hoped we didn't lose electricity. He would have reminded me of the winter we had the ice storm and I cooked breakfast on the grill with Tania making a picture of me with 2 robes on and 2 pairs of slippers. I was a mess but we all laughed. Snow time was family time for us. It was always alot of fun and this year all it did was make me sad and want that back. I miss being a wife. I am having to redefine what I am and I don't know anymore.

I am reminded of a line from the movie "Ghost". The love you take with you. Well, Keith you are still in my heart and will always have my love. Happy Birthday Darling.

Snow February 2009

2009-03-01T14:07:00.001-06:00

Various Christmas Pictures - 2008

2008-12-31T18:02:00.001-06:00

2008 Flashbacks

2008-12-30T13:13:00.010-06:00

I have always felt that for some reason I am being punished for my pass life's. I am the one always trying to help and take care of everyone. I don't think I am a bad person just STUPID when it comes to my family and the ones I care about. No one else in the family would take care of my mom so I had her move in with Keith and I. Then my brother broke up with his girl friend at the time and he needed a place to live so guess who got picked. He moved in along with his cat and all his junk. Then things got really crazy. I won't go into that.

In January 2006, we had trusted someone to refinance our home. Well, that was another mess. It was not a company we went with but a person getting into the business. Well, a few months later we found out the payments we had sent him were not paid to the mortage company so we lost our home.

In January 2007 we moved out of our home to a rental. We were lucky because we found a house that was brand new with 5 bedrooms. During this time, I noticed that Keith wasn't feeling well. He had not felt good most of the end of 2006. In my mind I think I knew that the cancer was back and just didn't want to believe it. On Easter morning when he was feeling so bad that I took him to the hospital. He didn't come home for 3 weeks and the monster was back. He started chemo in June as soon as he could. Most everyone knows the rest of the story. He did 10 chemo treatments and made it to April 6. On that day, I lost my friend, lover, husband and rock. He had always been there for me.

In June when school was out we moved to Bells Tennessee. I had hoped that a smaller quiet place would be a place to heal. Again, I think God laughed at me. We found the house in such a mess and torn up that I then started remodeling, just to make it livable. That was a major expense and we had a contractor that totally ripped me off.

Now my brother is back and my son had to give up his room and I don't have any idea when he and his girlfriend will leave. He has more problems then you can even imagine.

So I am going to be glad to see 2008 end. This has been one of the most horrible years I have ever spent and the worst part is I don't have my best friend and rock to talk to.

I am tired of taking care of everyone and having to do everything by myself. So, my prayer for 2009 is that God will stop testing and laughing at me and help me get things in order.

My wishes for 2009 - Make peace with God and find my faith again
Find a job to support Christopher and myself
That no one else has to go though what I have
To heal
To be happy again. I think I was at one time??????
Hopefully being employed so that I can save enough money to
move back to Atlanta

Pictures and Update

2008-12-17T14:39:00.002-06:00

Hall

Tree

Sasha

Life continues on for us. I have my good days and my bad. It seems that have more bad then good, but I just put one foot in front of the other and keep going. I am forcing myself to get my makeup on and my hair done when I would rather just stay in bed with the covers over my head. Christmas has been hard. Christopher and I started putting up our tree and both just broke down, so we put it back and went to Walmart and got another one. We changed our decorations for the tree also. We could not look at the ornaments we have had so long. Maybe next year, but it is to fresh right now.

I think back to last Christmas when we celebrated Keith finishing all 10 chemo treatments and the positive report that he had gotten. He made that Christmas so special for all of us that I wonder now if he knew it was his last.

I am at the point that I am wondering if I could have done anything different and he would still be here. In my mind I know I couldn't but my heart is telling me something else.

We had a nice Thanksgiving with some friends. Mom cooked and it was a lot of fun. Right now we are planning the same for Christmas Eve.

Sasha is growing and is so sweet. She is such a comfort and it seems she knows when I am at my lowest. She will always get my attention and want all my attention.

I know that I have been a horrible blogger, but there are some days I just can't write. I am hoping I will get better.

Thank you to everyone who has been there for Christopher and me this year. You can never know what that means. We both want to wish you a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Happy Anniversary

2008-11-21T16:47:00.003-06:00

Not alot to say today except that today would have been Keith's and My 21st anniversary. I am trying to get though the day. Darling, we worked hard to make it to 20 and we did. I miss you everyday, so Happy Anniversary. I will always love you

My New Job

2008-11-15T13:03:00.002-06:00

I have accepted a position with an insurance company as a agent. Right now I am studying for my exam to be licensed. Hopefully, when I pass the test I will be an independent agent for Aflac Insurance. It is a lot to learn. Right now I am working on my health license.

There is not much to report here. The weather has turned colder and Christopher had built a fire this morning when I got up. Sasha is growing like a weed and she and Emmett are crazy about each other. They play most of the time and want to be with each other. She has been such a great comfort to me. She seems to know my feelings and when I am really down she will just cuddle.

I miss home very much, but am determined to learn to enjoy the country. Christopher loves it and right now that is all that is important.

Next week will be hard. The 21st would have been our 21st anniversary.

I really don't think I am doing as well as I should be, but I am trying. It has been 7 months now and for some reason right now more memories are coming back than ever. Some make be happy and some bring tears again. I didn't know someone could cry so much. Right now we are planning to go to Judi's for Thanksgiving. Maybe a change will help. I also think when I really start working that will also make a difference.

If I don't post again before Thanksgiving, please have a wonderful Thanksgiving and love your family.

I want to run away

2008-11-11T13:42:00.002-06:00

I want to run away. From what I don't know. It seems no matter were I am I don't want to be there. This time of the year has always been such a happy time for me. I start planning for Thanksgving and Christmas. It was always Keith's favorite time also. All I want to do is hide. When I go to shops I cannot even look at the decorations. I feel so alone.

I have accepted a job with Aflac. I will have to get my insurance license and I hope that by throwing myself into my work I will start to feel better. I am looking forward to starting very soon.

So much as happened on the last few weeks and I can't say it has been for the best. Each time I want to pick up the phone and call Keith only I can't. Today I found out that his cell phone was still connected and I to take care of that.

Do you ever get to feeling better or just get to feel again? If only I had 15 minutes to talk to him.

More Pictures

2008-10-16T10:26:00.002-05:00

Here are some pictures from the trip. We had a wonderful time visiting family, but it was bittersweet for me. I have become a terrible blogger because most of the time I just done know what to write anymore. It seems that when I first started this it was to let everyone know how Keith was doing and I realize now that all I write about is how I feel.

Basically, I miss Keith more each day and it has gotten to the point that I cry everyday. Being home seemed so strange without him. I did go to the cemetery and it didn't seem real. I thought that by going I might make his death seem more real to me, but I think it made it worst.

There are sometimes that I just want to scream, but I don't know who to scream at. God, Keith, who??? I just wish someone would tell me how to get though this and make the pain go away. I have told Christopher that I will try to go to church with him Sunday but my heart isn't there. I am just so mad.

On the house side, we have basically finished. Mom is making curtains this week ad I am unpacking boxes. That is also very hard. I find things that were Keith's like his glasses, ties and things we had. I don't know what to do with most of it. My life is in boxes and I realize that I don't have much a life anymore. Sasha is a great help. Funny what a small little dog can do when you feel so down.

Now the holidays are coming up and all I want to do it cancel the rest of the year until the middle of January, but I can't. I have a child to think of, so I will slap a smile on my face and continue.

Enough for today.

Some Atlanta Pictures

2008-10-16T10:18:00.002-05:00

Christopher and Me
My Boys
The Princess Caroline
Another
Uncle Joe

We are in Atlanta

2008-10-10T17:58:00.001-05:00

Just a quick update. We have been in Atlanta since Sunday visiting family. It has been a very hard trip for me, but good to see everyone. I will post more this weekend when we get back to Bells.

More Pictures

2008-09-29T14:34:00.001-05:00

Duly fussed at by my son

2008-09-29T14:14:00.003-05:00

I have been fussed at my by son for not updating. We have had so many things going on that by the end of the day I just fall into bed. I think we are finally finished with the house. We still have some small things to do, but for the most part it is finished. I have made some pictures and will post them. I do not recommend the last 6 months to anyone. When I look back over the months since April, I now think I should have stepped back before doing anything. It seems to me now that grief has come even stronger. I can't think about Keith or look at pictures without crying. I'm mad at God and can't even go to church. Sometimes I feel like I am having a total breakdown. All I want is my husband and my life back and I know that isn't going to happen. Stores are putting Christmas up and I just want to hide under the covers and not even think about it. It wasn't suppose to be this way. I feel that I am only a half now. There is a part of me missing and my heart hurts. I dread the weekends and nights. I wonder if I will ever be happy again. I just don't understand why God took a good man like Keith away from us. It hurts for his children and grandchildren. As I sit here typing this, I am cryomg again. Funny, I have almost stopped putting makeup on since I know I will ruin it anyway.

Yesterday, Heidi and Roy came by. They were on their way to Missouri and took a detour to see us. It was great and I needed Heidi's hugs. We are coming to Atlanta next week and are going to stay with her some of the time. She said she is going to have me digging in the yard. We are looking forward to seeing Kevin and Lisa. We will stay with them a couple of nights.

Well, as promised to my son, Ihave updated and I hope you enjoy the pictures

Sunday Afternoon Sunset

2008-09-15T09:29:00.002-05:00

Saturday night we had alot of rain and wind from IKE. In fact, we had tornado watches out until about 10 Sunday morning. The rest of the day it was very windy, but it calmed down late in the afternoon. Mom was outside and yelled for me to bring the camera. This was our sunset yesterday and I wanted to share how beautiful it was. Nice, clear, and cool today.

Kitchen Pictures

2008-09-14T15:11:00.002-05:00

The kitchen is almost finished. We only have some finish work to get done. Paul designed the star burst above the window and the design behind the stove. I think it turned out great. The laundry room is next and that is only tiling the floor. Then we are basically finished except for unpacking. That is one thing I am dreading. I don't know where most of the stuff will be going. We have already started a throw away and yard sale pile. It has been nice having the kitchen back. Mom and I have been cooking today. I made a wonderful Apple Dumpling desert and mom has made a cake and roast. We have actually eaten at home for more than 1 day. YEA!!!!!! Eating out is nice, but it gets a little old after a while.

I have also been trying to get the clothes washed since we may not have a washing machine next week while the floor is being done.

Meet Sasha and Short update

2008-09-09T09:09:00.003-05:00

Princess Sasha Rivers

Another View

I haven't updated in a while. We have been very busy and I couldn't even gt to my computer. We have started unpacking and Paul is putting the back splash up today. The first of the month Mom and I went to Murfreesboro to met Jorge and pick up Sasha. She is 11 weeks old now and already spoiled. She is a Coton just like Emmett and has been such a comfort to me. It seems that we can really see the light at the end of the tunnel now. We have the laundry room to do and then just touch up and unpacking boxes. I will post pictures as soon as we are though. It has been such a challenge all summe. Sadness creeps in most of the times and I have learned to give in to it. Unpacking over the weekend was very hard. It seemed all our life was in boxes and I am not sure what to do with most of the stuff.

Lena Rivers

2008-08-25T18:22:00.003-05:00

I have to tell you a story of a quest I have been on for over 30 years. It has been an on and off search. Well, all my years paid off today. My grandmothers name was Lena Rivers Crook. She was born on 1897. For years I was had been told that she was named after a book called Lena Rivers. My great-grandmother had been reading the book while she was expecting. According to what I have been told, she loved the main character in the book and named grandmother after her. Well, my mother passed her name on to me Suzan Rivers and then Keith and I passed it on to our son Christopher Rivers. For years I have wanted this book and I have looked everywhere for it. I have called book sellers and every antique place I have ever been. I have been told that it has been out of print for years. Well, today Mom and I went to a little antique shop in Gates and there was a pile of old books. I started going though them and the last one was a very old copy of the book. They sold it to me for $2.00. I am so excited to finally read the story of how my grandmother, myself and Christopher got our name. So, if you have been looking for something keep on you will never know when you will find it.

Views from the Country

2008-08-21T09:44:00.003-05:00

I woke up this morning to a feeling of contentment and peacefulness. I won't say that I have found happiness again, I think that may take a long time to be really happy again, but I am at peace. The cool country mornings and dew on the ground are a nice feeling in the morning. It is quiet and you can feel the love of God around you. I find that I have slowed down and count all moments as precious. I continue to miss my love and the tears come very easy. I know in my heart he is glad that I have the peacefulness that comes slowly. I wanted to share some pictures of what is around me daily (besides the construction). Surprisingly this city girl is beginning to love the country and all it means.

Cabinets are in

2008-08-20T14:18:00.005-05:00

The kitchen cabinets were put in yesterday and the hardwood for the kitchen today. All they have to do is sand the floor and then stain it. We are so tired of all the mess that we have decided to wait for awhile to do the laundry room. We can straighten it out and get it all cleaned up and it will be fine. They came today to measure for the countertops and hopefully they will be in by the 2nd so I think we are almost finished. Mom and I are back in our bedrooms and I even have curtains up. It feels better to be back in your own room with some privacy. I know Christopher is happy with us gone. The pictures are from yesterday when they were putting the cabinets in.

School is going good for Christopher. He has made some friends and seem to enjoy it very much. He likes his classes and the size of the school.

I'll update more when I have more time.

Short Update

2008-08-17T15:05:00.002-05:00

The House is coming along. We can actually see the light at the end of the tunnel. They are coming in tomorrow to put the kitchen cabinets in and mom and I will be back in our own rooms (which will make Christopher very happy). We are having to go down to a cafe to use their Internet as we don't have any right now. Not sure when we will be back up, so if I don't update for awhile you will know why.

More later (I hope)

School Starts Tomorrow

2008-08-03T11:18:00.002-05:00

School starts tomorrow and I think Christopher is looking forward to it. He has all honors subjects and already is considered an honor graduate even though he doesn't graduate until next year. His father would be very proud of him. We had open house Thursday night and it is a big change for him from a school of 3500 to about 900. I think he will enjoy it. One of the funny things that happened is when we were in the office of the school we saw another new students information and he is from Duluth and has moved to Bells also. I think they may try to find each other. This was the tax free weekend in Tennessee and we got most of his school supplies. He still has alot from before but they are still packed, so had to get new bookbag and all the suppplies that go with it. Problem now is where do we put it.

The house is still coming along. They finally finished painting the bedrooms and bathrooms so next week they will finish Mom's bedroom with the hardwood and then stain it all. Hopefully by Friday we will be back in our bedrooms (which I am sure will make Christopher happy). Then we get to start the kitchen. That is going to be a major mess. If everthing goes according to plan then they will be finished in about 3 weeks.

Melanoma took another life this weekend. A young man with a wife and 2 small daughters. Whenever I read about losing someone else, I get so mad. It is such a waste because there is not enough money put into cancer research.

Lately, I have had a very rough time. I miss Keith and wish I could just talk to him. The guys that are working here have become friends and they just offer me a hug and let me cry. Shopping for school supplies was hard this weekend, we always did that together and had some great laughs doing it.

Mom has been canning alot, making wild plum jam, muscadine jam and blackberry jam. Tim has trees in his yard and has been picking them for her. Today she is doing heirloom tomatoes that a neighbor brought over yesterday. I have to admit the jams are great with hot biscuits. We better enjoy it now since we won't have a kitchen shortly for awhile. That I am NOT looking forward to except the new kitchen.

Hope everyone has a good week and you enjoy the video of all the remodeling. Some of the pictures have already been posted but it was fun to make.

Just Different Pictures from Remodeling

2008-08-03T11:17:00.001-05:00

Some Before and During

2008-07-28T19:27:00.004-05:00

I found some pictures of the house today before the remodeling and also before the renters destroyed it. I have also added some of the work today. I think we have really opened it up.

Are we ever going to get through?

2008-07-27T13:43:00.001-05:00

Fireplace
Another View

My Bathroom

Another View
Sassy Hiding in the foreplace before the holes were covered.

It seems we are never going to get through. Last week when they finished the stone in my bathroom I said "Don't you think it would be pretty to do a stone rug in from of the fireplace?" That was all it took. We decided to not only make a stone rug but to recover the fireplace totally. The plan is to go up to 1/2 then a mantle and sheetrock for the television to be mounted above. The top of the hearth will be broken stone pieces and the front will be 16 x16's. Paul drew the plan up and it will also have column's on both sides. So, you know how it is one thing leads to another.

The wood for the floor will be here tomorrow and the new oven arrived Friday. So I think the only thing we are wanting on to arrive is the shutters and the new storm door for the front door. Mike (the cabinet guy) is going to call me tomorrow to let me know when the cabinets will be finished. I still have to pick out tile for the pantry/laundry room, but I am pretty sure of what I want so that should be easy.

We are having a quiet weekend resting up for the coming week of saws, hammering and whatever else comes along. One of the guys has wild plum trees in his yard and has been bringing them over to Mom. She has made plum preserves this past week. It is so good and we have all enjoyed it.

I do think we are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Hopefully, everything will be finished by mid-August. Christopher has open house at school this Thursday and starts school the next Monday.

He and I seem to be holding on to each other and getting by day by day. It is hard to believe that it has been almost 4 months since we loss Keith. The loss seems as strong today as it did in April. There are some days I don't know how I even get by the day.

My Bathroom

2008-07-24T15:26:00.001-05:00

My bathroom was tiled today and it turned out just like I wanted. Now we have decided to redo the fireplace with the same stone. Hopefully they will have the grouting done tomorrow. All I will be waiting on is the cabinet and sink (which I also am doing in the Onyx).

Quiet before the Storm and the BATHROOM

2008-07-20T11:20:00.003-05:00

Outside paint
Front Door

Jucuzzi in Bathroom instead of Backyard and it Works
My cabinet, countertop and paint(top right corner)

The Stone Floor (Antik Onyx)

Well, as you can see the tub has arrived from the backyard to the bathroom and it works. It has been very nice to have a nice relaxing tub to soak in even if the rest of the room is a MESS!!! Don't you just love the curtains? It is 2 towels. I was in the tub yesterday morning and heard a noise and it was the painters right above me. Luckily, I yelled to Christopher to get him to move. The stone is from Turkey and I am getting it from a import dealer I use to work for . The floor will be 16 x16 brushed and chiseled edge. Behind the tub will be a 3x6 off set brick design with a 2 inch Cornice to trim it out. They also have an Antik Onyx Bowl for a sink and I am thinking about adding that. I just can't make up my mind on it. Any suggestions?

Tomorrow the storm starts again. I think they are planning on getting all the drywall up in my bathroom and also ripping out the living room floor to put plastic down under the house and new plywood to get the floor ready for the hardwood. The wood will be here next Monday. They have also just about finished the painting outside. We decided on a gray with a black front door. I think we should leave the dump trailer in front, it gives it such a good look. Ha!ha!

Mike came over yesterday and finshed measuring the cabinets for my bathroom and I think they will be good. I have found you have to make use of every space in a small area and the redesign of the bathroom really makes it look larger. Al and Paul and came up with the redesign.

It does seem that we can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am getting tired of the noise and mess, but I really enjoy seeing the guys everyday and they have been so good to Christopher. Paul took him with him the other night to return some things for me and purchase some other things. He had dinner with him and his family and I think that was good. When all this is over, I think I will really miss them. I have gotten to know them and their families. Well, I will let you know what next week brings and the next installment of " As the House Turns"

Moon from Last night and what I see from my view

2008-07-20T11:05:00.003-05:00

This is my Backyard!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-07-17T10:57:00.000-05:00

Short update

2008-07-17T10:39:00.000-05:00

Bath Before
During Demo
Tub Arrived and I had to test it out

Well, as you can see we have started my bathroom. We found some problems but Al and the guys got it fixed. The Jacuzzi arrived yesterday and I am now counting the days until I can "relax" for awhile. We are still living in a mess and it will be worst before it gets any better. More pictures to follow and longer update later.

Another week - More Mess -Remodeling update

2008-07-12T17:18:00.003-05:00

Weather Vane

Sink and the Tile
Kitchen cabinets

Shower

Another View

Well, we are about 85% finished in Mom's bathroom. I think it turned out very pretty. I have had the shower measured to get a quote on the shower door and they will put the trim in next week. Also, it should be painted by about Wednesday. Above the toilet, there is going to be a small cabinet, but it won't be here for about 3 weeks. She picked out white for her cabinet and the cabinet maker designed it for her.

We have decided to go ahead and do the kitchen. We picked out the stain for the cabinets and decided instead of tile for the kitchen floor to use the same hardwood for the whole downstairs. It will save us time and money. The kitchen sink arrived last week along with the weather vane which Al got up. He said that it was good the parts were numbered, since it didn't have any directions.

They are going to start my bathroom Monday afternoon, so we will be back to 1 bathroom. I am going to use the same stain for my bathroom as the kitchen. I have also decided on a Beige Travertine for my floor. It is so much fun to design something for myself this time instead of someone else's home. Only thing, I am using my own advice and making sure I get it right and will love it for a long time.

Mom bought from someone up here that has a big garden over 200 ears of corn and put it all in the freezer along with some Purple Hull Peas. The corn is so sweet and tastes so different from what you get in the store. She also decided she didn't want to look at any more corn for a while.

All in all, we are doing okay with the remodeling. It keeps me busy and I don't have to think much. The weekends are so hard. It seems during the week I am so busy that I fall in the bed, then when I realize the weekends are coming I dread it. I am still crying at all different times and when I least expect it. Just doing something we use to do together reminds me and the tears will come. Things I do myself now, like going to Walmart. We always walked in holding hands.

I will keep you posted on the remodel.

Sunrise in the Country

2008-07-11T14:36:00.001-05:00

Tyler Clay McDow

2008-07-08T10:58:00.002-05:00

Tyler Clay McDow

Lynn just posted a picture of Tyler. He looks just like his mom when she was born. He is a cutie!!!!

Tiling and Stuff

2008-07-08T09:50:00.004-05:00

Wood Going in Downstairs

The Shower Seat
Border with the Glass

I hope everyone had a safe 4th. We had a very quiet one which was very nice. It was a bittersweet one for me. Sunday was 3 months since I lost Keith and I felt it all day long. I never thought that I would be where I am today at the beginning of the year. I remember Keith telling me then that since the chemo treatments had ended and everything had gone so good, that he was going to be here another 20 years at least. I wish that he had been able to keep that promise. I miss him and feel the loss everyday. There have been memories that I can laugh about but usually they will bring the tears on. Yesterday I went back and looked at some of the blog during all the treatments and the tears came so I had to stop. I hope that one day I will be able to look at them.

We have had so much going on. The painters arrived yesterday and got everything started. They are painting the shed today and getting the house ready. Tim and Paul started tiling Mom's bathroom this morning and it is going to be beautiful. I posted a picture of the design for the seat and the same is going around the top as a border. Also, we have picked out the wood for the rest of the downstairs. It is called Hackberry and it comes already stained. This is going to make it much easier than having to lay the floor then stain it.

On the family side, my niece had her baby yesterday. Tyler Clay McDow arrived yesterday morning and weighed 7 lbs. 11 oz. Jennifer and Tyler are doing great. My sister has been trying to send pictures, but for some reasons they are not coming though so hopefully later I can show my new grand-nephew.

I am being called again, so will talk later.

Suzan

Make you Smile

2008-07-03T14:20:00.002-05:00

Just various pictures from the reunion and our remodeling

Shed and Window

2008-07-01T16:28:00.000-05:00

Lookin' Good
Stained Glass Finally In

Another View

Al and Jeff finally got fed up waiting on the glass people so they got the window put up yesterday. There is a small piece of glass that has gotten broken and hopefully the stain glass people will be out Thursday morning to fix that. It did exactly what we waited with casing the light in the bathroom. Now we are just waiting on the tile which may be here by the first of next week. Then we can finish one bathroom and get started on the other. They have almost finished the shed. Today had been the roof, so I hope the dog run will be up by next week and the shed in use!!!!.

I have been feeling a little down the last few days. I have really missed Keith and just want to touch him or have a hug. I get tired of making all the decisions and wish he was here to take over some, but I know it can't be. I would love to just see him and talk to him again. I just miss him so much. It helps to write my feelings down and if your tired of hearing this I am so sorry. I know I am not the only one in this situation, but sometimes I feel like I am.

We are moving along with the remodeling and it does keep me busy. A kitchen contractor came out Saturday and also yesterday. I have 1 quote and am waiting on the other. I would put more pictures up, but the house is a mess and I wouldn't want anyone to see it, so as the remodel goes along, I post some. When we are finished, I will give you a tour of the house.

More Reunion pictures

2008-06-29T19:11:00.000-05:00

Christopher and Jordan acting silly
Ashlyn and Christopher being silly
Ditto Again
Christopher and Alex (Ashlyn son)
Alex in a very thoughful mood

Reunion 2008

2008-06-29T18:49:00.003-05:00

Ashlyn acting crazy as usual
Christopher getting his hair cut by Ashlyn
Deaundra and Me
Some of the kids
1st and 2nd cousins

We had our family reunion this weekend and it was alot of fun. I had been somewhat worried about how I would handle it without Keith, but I guess I did okay. As one of my cousins said you are with people you love you and understand. It was a smaller reunion than normal, but still great to see everyone. Friday night we had dinner at the hotel and it was sort of potluck, then saturday we all headed to Ashlyn and John's. Ashlyn is so much fun and I tease her that she is crazy. She has never changed and hopefully will always be the fun loving person she is. She is a hair stylist by trade so we all try to get her to do our hair. She cut Christopher's yesterday and I told him I bet he had never had a woman cut his hair in a bikini. We all headed back to Jackson for dinner last night and then everyone left today. Christopher was so gld to see his cousins. Most of them have grown up together and even if they see each other only 1st a year it like they saw each other the day before. My grandmother use to say that "Families smell each other." Whether that is true or not it is always great to be around your family. I have loads of pictures to post.

Well, all the construction starts up again tomorrow and it looks like the shed may finished by Tuesday.

Look for some more pictures this week.

The New Shed

2008-06-27T12:54:00.003-05:00

Shower
Stained Glass going into Bathroom
Inside of the Shed

Shed

They are making fast work of the new shed and I can hardly wait until it is finished. I was teasing Al this morning that I might just move into it. As you can tell, the front has a door and window and on the left side is another door that will have a door dog in it. On the other end is a door big enough for Christopher to bring the tractor in. Al said this morning that we should (knock on wood) be though with everything in about 6 weeks. The bathroom is almost ready to be tiled and we are just waiting on the tile to arrive. It should be here about a week from Monday. I included a picture of the stained glass window that is going in the bathroom. The whole bath will be white with a very light green glass trim. The glass will only be in the shower. I think it will very pretty with the light hitting the window and the colors coming though. That is the reason we decided on white. The floor and walls of the shower are 12 x 12's . Then we get to start on mine. We went to Jackson this week and bought the Jacuzzi and all the fixtures for mine. There have been a few nights I would love to have had the Jacuzzi working.

Our family reunion is this weekend in Jackson. I am looking forward to seeing everyone and being away from the mess for a few hours this weekend.

Sunday and Monday Thoughts

2008-06-22T19:33:00.008-05:00

We picked up Madison Saturday and so far so good. She is a very friendly calm dog. Right now her favorite person is Christopher. He is having a good lesson in responsibility. I had told him that it was his job to take care of her and so far so good. He has really jumped up and takes care of her. Saturday night she woke him up at 4 in the morning and he got up with her and at 5 this morning she woke him up and he took her outside, then went back to sleep. She is suppose to be sleeping in her crate but I think he lets her on his bed. Earlier today she and Shadow were even in the same room and not fussing at each other. Basically, Shadow was ignoring her.

We had a quiet weeekend with running errands Saturday. We went into Jackson which is only about 15 miles from our house. In Atlanta that sounds like a long way because of the traffic, but here it only takes about 15 minutes to get there. We have started having a good laugh over the "traffic jams". We keep telling everyone you just don't know what traffic is. Christopher and I went to church Sunday morning. It is a small church right around the corner called Cypruss Church Methodist. They have service at 9:30 and Sunday School after. We both enjoyed the service. It was a little different than McKendree, but basically the same. They have youth group on Wednesday night and last Wednesday Jordan (one of the kids that works for Al) was at youth group and brought Christopher a big poster made into a card welcoming him. It was very sweet and touching. The kids all went out of their way yesterday to make him feel welcome. He said he is going Wednesday night. We went over Carnise's to visit in the afternoon and then to JaJa's cafe for ice cream. So, it was a good weekend.

Everyone arrived this morning to start work and now we have a big hole in Mom's bathroom where the stained glass window is going. There is a side on it that has broken and I have a glass person coming out to fix it before it gets put up. So now the hole is covered with plywood. They also got the shed layed out and the concrete poured this afternoon. It looks like I may have shed by the end of the week.

Christopher and I continue to have our moments. We miss Keith so much and there are so many times I wish I could just talk to him about everything going on. I see him clearly everyday in my mind and I would give anything to be able to have one of his hugs again. The tears are always there and as I write this they are starting again. Today has not been one of my better days. I am so thankful for the 20 years we had and the love we shared. It is still so hard to think of even the happy times and not start crying. I wonder if it ever becomes real that he is gone. I know I will be with him again one day and until that day I hope I will make him proud of me. I am so thankful for all the things he brought into my life.

I haven't forgotten about the rotten cancer that took him away from us. Please use sunscreen. Melanoma is an UGLY cancer. It in the last week has taken 2 very young people and there are more everyday.

Short Update

2008-06-18T12:23:00.002-05:00

Before the Barn Came Down
Happy Shadow (Freedom)
Barn's Gone
Oak Tree Coming Down
Mom and Shannon Looking at the tree

Things are getting very crazy around here, so I have backed up and regrouped. We found out yesterday that the beautiful old Oak Tree in the front of the house was dead, so it is coming down today. It makes up sick, but if a storm came up then it could fall right on the house then we would have no house. The good thing is we are saving all the big branches and will have enough firewood for about 2 years. I also have decided not to do the den and bathroom right now. I still want to do it, but it can wait. So we are going to leave the 2 bathrooms and just remodel them. I am still thinking about doing the kitchen though. It really needs updating and I would rather have that then the den.

I have some video's of the barn coming down and the tree and if I can ever get them to post, I'll do it.

A Boy and his Tractor

2008-06-16T14:58:00.003-05:00

Christopher
The way we all feel

Mowing Happiness
One More

Everyone arrived today and started pulling up carpet. When they did they found a leak, so I am glad that we decided to do this. Luckily, insurance will cover the leak and fix, so that will help. They delivered the mower over and as soon as he could Christopher was on it. It is one of the first times I have seen him smile since Keith died. The house has become a huge undertaking and Al thinks it will take about a month and 1/2 to finish. I don't think we will be able to stay here while everything is done, so Al is trying to get a friend of his to rent us a duplex for that short time. It is right down the street and we can be back everyday to work. I have finally decided that the best thing is to have the movers come 1 more time and just take everything and store it for the month. It makes more sense to get out of here while they are working and then move in. We had no idea about a leak or anything. Christopher's room is the only one that will be finished. Paul has finished the painting and the carpet is going down tomorrow or Wednesday. If we can't get the duplex thing worked out then Christopher and I will just move up there and Mom said she was going to Cornise's. I am going to call the Humane Society tomorrow and let them know they will have to hold on to Madison until we get finished. It is unfair to her to bring her into this. At least I know when I finish it will be clean, new and beautiful.

My cousin Mike is a distributor for cabinets so I talked with him today about coming out to look at the kitchen and bathroom. So, I guess that is also in the cards. I really think it will be better to do it all at once instead of bits and pieces. By the way, if you need any Viking appliances, he is also a rep for HADCO.

Well, that is all for today. I'll let you know what going on in the country as we get more done. Keep us in your prayers, I think we really need them!!!!!!

Meet Madison - I have finally lost my mind

2008-06-14T17:33:00.001-05:00

Madison Hallam

Well, I have finally lost my mind totally. Christopher and I had to do some running around today and oops! found a Petsmart. I promise you I had no intention of getting another dog, but Christopher fell head over heels in love with her. She is part German Shepard and ?, but is very sweet and right now calm. We don't get her until next weekend because she has an appointment with the vet next week to be fixed. I do not want puppies!!!!! We also found Tennessee Tractor and I am now the owner of a John Deere Riding Mower and Walk behind. We will get it Monday and Christopher can hardly wait. Things are going along here and we are adjusting. There are funny things that happen everyday and it is just getting use to being in a very small town.

I'll post a picture Monday of my country boy and his "tractor".

Yesterday and Today

2008-06-11T19:31:00.003-05:00

The one thing I am finding is that grief is so unpredictable. It seems to wash over you when you least expect it. One simple thing can just set you off. Yesterday morning the painters came by and said that we had to have everything out of the house before they could even start. For some unknown reason that just set me off and I had a very bad day. All I wanted to do was talk to Keith and it hurt. So the day stayed like that even if I did get some things done. I finally arranged for a local moving company to come over and move everything out (mainly boxes) and into another storage room. Then this morning another painter came over and he is starting in Christopher's room tomorrow morning. I have gotten the paint for my room, Christopher's and the living room. Mom and I also picked out tile today for the kitchen. The last 2 days it seems that I have just cryed most of the time. We do finally have a microwave and things are coming together. The kitchen is cleaned up and so are the bathrooms. Mom even cooked today.

I bought a new bedroom suite for me yesterday and a very pretty futon for Christopher's room. So, I am hoping that by the first of the week at least Christopher will have his "nest" made.

The dogs are enjoying the country life. Shadow runs beside Christopher without his leash and Blackie (cat) leaves in the morning and arrives home in the evening. She caught herself a mouse yesterday and I think she wanted to bring it in to us, but we stopped that. It was fun watching her stalk the mouse after she let it go.

There is still alot to do and we keep going at it one step at a time. I can only wish Keith was here. I miss him more every day and even at this point when I try to remember the good times I start to cry. Maybe it is a delay reaction since we were so busy right up to and after his death. All I know is I want him back and I can't have that.

The House on the Hill

2008-06-06T07:02:00.004-05:00

Our new home

I finally have a minute to update on the move. We arrived Sunday afternoon late after driving through rain all day long. Somewhat nerve racking but okay. When we arrived the renters were still moving out. When we came in the house, we decided that we wanted to cry. We knew we would have alot of work to do on the house, but they had even taken the switchplates off. Mom had told them they could use some of her things but it looks like they have stolen alot of stuff. We are still trying to get a list together of everything missing so we can talk to the sheriff or an attorney. Anyway, there is alot of work to be done and we are getting it done little by little. I went to Bells Hardware on Monday and gave them a list of everything I needed and they showed up Monday afternoon. Then later we were heading to the grocery store and I spotted a truck that said Overton Hardwood, so I tracked him down. He came over and gave me a quote on the hardwood and is starting next week. I have bought new carpet for Christopher's room and it will laid next Wednesday. So, next week is going to be crazy again. The painters, carpet men, electrical and hardwood guys will all be here working next week. I find it very hard to believe that you just call and it happens. Actually it turns out that Al Overton is a distant cousin on my dad's side and he is so funny and we had an instant repore. We also have the pest people coming out and a landscaper to help get us started. When Mom moved in with us 2 years ago her yard was beautiful. It is now a mess. We have been told all week that people didn't think anyone lived here.

I think the hard work has been very good for me. Today marks the 2 month annivesary of Keith's death and I have felt it all day. I think God knew I needed a big project to keep me busy and he has given me one. The house and yard will be beautiful when we finish. Christopher is doing very well and loving the country. I have been letting him drive more and that seems to make him happy. We bought a trailer the other day and it has stayed full most of the week. Tomorrow I think we will be making many trips to the dump.

There is so much going on that it is hard to write it all, so I will end for today and hope I can get more tomorrow. Actually, I think I may head to bed soon. I am tired!!!!!!!

Images from The Start of the Move

2008-05-24T19:14:00.003-05:00

Daniel, Matt and Christopher
Daniel, Mom, Matt and Christopher

Yesterday we started the move with Daniel and Matt coming over to get the things I was giving them. So, I thought I would show y'all 2 of my handsome nephews. Matt and Daniel are my sister's boys. They were at it all day long, so there were some very tired guys last night, but I hope happy since it feels good to be able to help when they are really just getting started on their own. It is very hard to tear a house apart after 20 years and I feel the loss of Keith very deeply right now. They put the marker on his grave last week and this morning before church Christopher and I took flowers. It is very simple, just what Keith would have wanted.

The movers are coming Thursday and we are leaving either Friday or Saturday. It depends on when they finish loading the truck and I can get the house all cleaned up.

My young cousin Leah graduated from high school this week and her parents had a wonderful party this afternoon. It was at a park that I didn't even know was in our county. The park was a beautiful setting and fun. It was another first for me without Keith. Going to a party. I felt weird being there without him. It made me think that in less than a month we have our family reunion which has always been so much fun and something Keith enjoyed very much. I am going this year, but it will be hard.

I haven't been a very good blogger lately. I get ready to write and the words don't come to easy. I miss Keith each and every day. Some days are worse than others. Some days I don't even want to get out of the bed, but I put one foot in front of the other and just keep going. I think I am in a daze some days. It has been almost 2 months and the pain is still so raw and painful. I think of things that I need to tell Keith and then remember I can't. I have finally decided to just talk to him anyway. I talk and talk. It may be one sided but it makes me feel better.

Christopher finished school this past week and thankfully managed to pass all subjects. We were worried about Algebra II and Chem, but he pulled it off. Everything was mostly A's and B's except for those 2. With everything he went though this year, I am just thankful he made it though the year.

On a funny note. Two of the things I gave my nephews were my bed and mom's bed. Since we don't have a bed anymore we are on the sleeper sofa (with 2 foam mattresses on top) in the living room. Well, Emmett is sleeping with us. Last night he barked at the 3-D puzzle that Christopher made until he woke us up and then he went to sleep and Mom and I had coffee. Oh well, I guess you had to be there.

Moving

2008-05-12T07:55:00.002-05:00

As you can tell, we are in the mist of getting ready to move. Boxes are everywhere and the HOUSE is a mess. It is driving me crazy, but until the movers come this is the way it will be. Kevin, Lisa and the kids came over yesterday. We talked about Keith for awhile and both realize we do the same thing. Have something to tell him and want to call then remember we can't. Yesterday, Christopher and I couldn't make it to church, but we did go last week. It was hard, but felt good to see everyone.

I meet with one of the moving companies this morning and realized when we started going over everything, it really is alot of stuff.

Today has not been a very good day. Everything seems to upset me and all I want to do is go to bed and pull the covers over my head. I can't seem to get motivated to do anything. Friends are telling me I seem to be doing good, but I don't think I am.

We lost another warrior over the weekend and many more are suffering and coming to the end of their battle. All these people fight so hard over such a horrible beast. May is Melanoma Awareness Month, so please remember to use sunscreen and also get any moles checked.

Trying to Stay Busy and Update

2008-05-01T11:21:00.005-05:00

I have been trying to stay as busy as possible. As long as I stay busy my mind and emotions are at bay. At night it doesn't work and the night seems so long. I cry at almost everything and everywhere. At first it embarrassed me to be in a public place and break down, but at this point I just don't care. I miss Keith so much each and everyday.

This past weekend Christopher and I went to Davis's baseball game and then out to lunch with them. It was just what we both needed. Caroline asked me where Papa Keith was and then said "I know, in heaven." Then she wanted to know how he got there. We explained that angels came to take him to heaven because God needed him back. She said she wanted him here. Lisa and I tryed to explain that we would all see him again one day. When we told her that he was watching over all of us, then that seemed to be okay with her. We also told Davis we were going to move. He didn't like that , but Kevin told him that they would come and visit.

When my Dad died Mom had moved in with us. She didn't sell her house, so Christopher, Mom and I are moving up to her house. We are really looking forward to it. I am ready for a fresh start and being away from Atlanta. I love it here, but can't do it without Keith. The town we are moving to is Bells, Tenn. It is on the western side of Tennessee about 80 miles east of Memphis. Mom's house sits on 2 acres and you might see a car every 2 or 3 hours, so I am looking forward to the peace and quiet. Maybe there I can start to heal my heart. We are planning on moving at the end of the month.

I have been packing this week and separating what things we are taking and what is going in the garage sale. We have almost finished the downstairs so I am going to start the sale tomorrow and continue on next weekend. After we get the house done, then we start the storage room. Savation Army will get to take alot of stuff.

School is still hard for Christopher and doesn't seem to have his heart in it. I have told him to just get through this year. Most of his teachers have been very understanding about the situation. With all the stress of Keith's illness and death, I think he is doing pretty good. His grades have always been very good, but they have gone down this year. If we have to have to get a tutor to get him caught up then I will get one.

The one thing we haven't been able to do yet is going back to church. Every Sunday we get up with the intentions to go, but we just can't yet. Sunday mornings were always so special to us. We had our place to sit and then we would go out to lunch. Right now, I just can't face that and everyone at church. I hope that this Sunday we will be able to go.

How do you put a face on Grief?

2008-04-21T11:25:00.004-05:00

I sit here and think about all the wives that over the last 6 months have lost their husbands. First there was Tammy, then Liz, Jenni and now me. These are the ones I felt close to. I told them I was thinking of them and praying for them, but I think I secretly thought Keith is beating this. He won't be one of them or so I thought. But deep down I knew that one day I would join this club that none of us wanted to be members of. I thought I had prepared myself, but You can't ever do that. It is the little things that creep up on you when you least expect it and make you cry. I think I need to tell Keith this and then I remember he isn't here, so I tell him anyway. I go to make a call on my cell phone and see his number. I look in the den and see him sitting in his car. Everywhere I turn, Keith is there.

Yesterday, Kevin and I went to Carmax and sold Keith's car. Kevin had taken his car to his house after the stroke. I couldn't bear to see it. Everyone was saying that maybe I should keep it for Christopher, but he didn't want it either. It made sense to sell it. I haven't been able to do anything with his clothes and I can't take my rings off. Maybe soon.

Christine left Thursday and made it home okay. I spoke with her yesterday and she is tired and trying to get caught up on 6 weeks of stuff at home. Christopher is back at school and Mom is too. I am tired, drained and feel empty. My emotions and nerves are raw and when I alone I cry at the drop of a hat. I try to be better when Christopher is home. I have no desire to do anything, but I force myself. It helps to stay busy. There is a video that we made at Christmas of Caroline and Christopher. There is a bit of Keith talking on it and it may sound crazy but it is a comfort to hear it every now and then.

So if this is the face of grief, then I am it and I don't wish this on anyone. The pain is raw and deep.

Yesterday

2008-04-14T09:38:00.002-05:00

Yesterday is a blur. The flowers were beautiful and the service was what Keith would have wanted. The pictures are of Davis and Leah. We showed Davis the flowers that were from the grandchildren and he wanted a picture of them with him. At least that's what I was told. Leah is my cousin and sang. I want to thank everyone who made yesterday as easy as it could be.

When Keith and I had been married for about a year, we got a dog. Clancey was a big beautiful golden retriever, who Keith loved dearly. Clancey lived to be 12 years old and when he died a part of our family died with him. We had him cremated and Christopher wouldn't let us bury him. When we were talking about Keith's burial it seemed right that Clancey should be buried beside Keith. This was Keith's first dog and he was 45 when he got him, so now Clancey and Keith are together again and I choose to believe that they are together again healthy and playing.

Grief is overwhelming. I have never felt like this before. Reality is for the birds, I want my husband back. I wanted to wake up this morning and find Keith beside me. He would have held me and told me it would be okay. I find myself crying most of the time and this pain is to real. I have heard people talk about grief being physical pain and it is.

The love of my life is gone from my sight, but he will always be in my heart.

Keith's Obituary

2008-04-09T16:44:00.001-05:00

Name:

Keith John Hallam
Birth Date & Death Date
March 2nd, 1944 - April 6th, 2008

Obituary:

HALLAM, KEITH - Keith Hallam, age 64 of Lawrenceville passed away Sunday, April 6, 2008. Memorial Services will be held 2:00 PM, Sunday, April 13, 2008 at McKendree United Methodist Church, Lawrenceville. Rev. Terry Fleming will officiate. Inurnment in Church Cemetery. A member of McKendree United Methodist Church in Lawrenceville, Mr. Hallam moved from England to the United States in 1968. He is survived by: Wife: Suzan Hallam, Lawrenceville; Children: Tania & Jeff Hills, Mt. Prospect, IL; Kevin & Lisa Hallam, Duluth; Christopher Hallam, Lawrenceville; Sister: Christine Watts, England; Grandchildren: Justin Hills, Ryan Hills, Davis Hallam & Caroline Hallam. Flowers accepted or memorials to American Hospice Foundation, 2120 L. Street NW, Suite 200, Washington, DC 20037, in memory of Keith Hallam. Family will receive friends after the service at the church. Tim Stewart Funeral Home, 300 Simonton Road, Lawrenceville, Georgia 30045. 770-962-3100. Please sign online guest registry at www.stewartfh.com

Cemetery:
McKendree United Methodist Church Cemetery1570 Lawrenceville Suwanee Road Lawrenceville, GA 30044

Services:
2:00PM at McKendree United Methodist Church on Sunday, April 13th, 2008

Direction to church can be found on mapquest or www.mckendreeumc.org

Trying to think about what I want to say

2008-04-09T10:39:00.001-05:00

What can you say? I am a widow and I hate it. The funeral arrangements have been made and everything has been done. I feel at a loss for want to do. I have been taking care of Keith that it feels very empty to not have anything to do. I expect to hear him calling me to ask for something our say "I'm almost home." Tears come when I least expect them. It is always at a time I don't expect it. It seems that I am now at a loss for words. Nights seem to be the hardest. I turn over and realize that Keith isn't there.

Christopher and I got to spend some time together today. He needed a haircut and then wanted a pretzel from the mall. It was nice just to be together and talk. He laughed at me since I bought a new dress. He said it was the fastest I have ever shopped.

If I don't post much right now, it isn't that I am ignoring anyone. I just need the time to be by myself and that is my nature. Please understand.

Services

2008-04-07T12:23:00.007-05:00

The services for Keith will be April 13, 2008 at McKendree United Methodist Church, with burial immediately after at the McKendree Cemetery. A reception will follow after in the fellowship hall. Flowers accepted or memorials to American Hospice Foundation.

Tm Stewart Funeral Home is handling all the arrangements.

www.stewartfh.com

The Angels Came today

2008-04-06T16:43:00.003-05:00

Keith John Hallam - March 2, 1944 - April 6, 2008

The angels came today for Keith. He joined the angels at 3:45 P.M. this afternoon. Yesterday he had started going downhill very fast, then this morning we had called and his nurse said he was sleeping, but called back and said that he was going downhill very quickly. We all got to the hospice and said our goodbyes. He was very peaceful until the end. He fought such a good fight and we always thought he would be the one to win.

To all the other warriors, keep fighting. I'll post more when arrangements are made and I can think.

Friday

2008-04-04T18:48:00.002-05:00

Keith continues to fight and hold on. He has rallied some today and yesterday. When we got there this morning he was very awake and greeted us with a wave and smile. Kevin had been there this morning and said that Keith had eaten some eggs and drink his juice this morning. As the day wore on he became unresponsive and very sleepy. We had met with the doctor yesterday and he said he was not surprised with the rally, but not to expect to much and to be prepared for what could happen after this rally. Keith has lost so much weight that his shirts are just hanging on him. He hates hospital gowns and we keep pull-overs for him. He is having quite a bit of trouble talking now, I think the effort just wears his out.

We have met another family there and I hope we have been a comfort to each other. We talk in the family room and share hugs.

Sleeping is still eluding me. I seem to wake up about 3 every morning and can't get back to sleep. By the time we get home I am very tired, so if what I write doesn't make sense I can blame it on that.

This can't be happening

2008-04-02T18:51:00.004-05:00

I had to come home earlier today because Christopher didn't have any clean clothes. I had to wash clothes for both of us. When I was folding everything up, Keith's shirt from the last week he worked was in the basket waiting for me to iron it. I just lost it. I have always ironed his shirts and as crazy as it sounds I enjoyed it. I would pop a movie into the DVD and just iron. It was always my Sunday afternoon movie time. I walked into our closet and just looked at his clothes. I wanted to scream, THIS ISN'T RIGHT, THIS IS UNFAIR, I HATE THIS!!! As I write this tears won't stop coming. I think of all the wives and husbands that have lost their spouses to this horrible disease and I realize that I am not alone, but I would bet that each and everyone one of us feel we are. I keep looking for him to come home and give me the Hi Ho, I'm home, but it isn't there.

They are coming tomorrow to pick up all the hospital equipment. I dread that too. It means that Keith really isn't coming back home, but somewhere there is someone who needs it and it is selfish for me to keep it here.

Keith had a good day. He slept and smiled when we told him the story of the manager at the Captain D's were we went to lunch. He was funny and had us laughing. It was good to see him smile.

We saw the doctor today

2008-04-01T18:58:00.004-05:00

We saw the doctor this afternoon and I really liked him. He doesn't pull any punches and tells it like it is. I admire this in anyone. He explained alot of things that finally made sense to me. He also said that he thought that (this is hard to say) since Keith's heart and lungs have been strong that he is holding on. He said that Keith could probably hang on 1 week maybe 2, but could go sooner. He explained why he suddenly when downhill so fast in language that made it easy to understand. He said it is a fine line in the brain and that the tumors had been growing and suddenly hit the area where he just went downhill. Christopher also met him and he was in agreement that the best place for him right now is with his Dad. Christopher's mind is not on school at the present time and spring break is next week, so I am going to let him stay out until break is over. Maybe I am wrong, but I don't think so.

I did get glimmers of Keith today. I talk to him all the time and today I was talking about taking Christopher to get some new jeans. He gave me the eyebrow raise and smiled. He also knows that Christopher can con me at times. I am a sucker for my son, but he really did need some new ones. I had to laugh. He has had less pain today. They changed his long acting pain med's to a little more than he had been getting, so he didn't have as much of the break though med's. He seemed peaceful and easy today.

We came home about 7 tonight. That was another thing the doctor said, go home and get some rest. I have to admit I do need it. I am so tired and wander if I will every feel rested again. Even in my bed, I find myself turning over and expecting Keith. Everything seems so empty, especially when I realize that Keith will never be here again.

There are things that do bring smiles to me. A lot of people know I am a Michael Crawford fan. In case you don't know who he is he was the originally Phantom in London and New York. Christopher and I both are members of his fan club, which I hate to call it. It really is a circle of friends. Anyway, when I got home yesterday I had a card and when I opened it, it was from him. Yes, he had written a personal note and signed it. Of course, he doesn't know each and everyone one of us, but to think he took the time to write this means a lot to me. Sound silly right????

This Is not What I Wanted

2008-04-01T07:59:00.002-05:00

Please understand this isn't what I wanted at all. I wanted Keith to be at home with us, but God in his wisdom has taken the decision out of my hands. The best place for Keith right now is at the hospice. I spoke with the nurses and they think he needs the 24/7 care, so he will stay there. I hope that everyone understands that I am doing what is right for Keith and no one else. He continues to slip in and out of conscious. Yesterday, I was laying beside him and he put his arm around my back and rubbed my back. Also, I was holding his hand and I slipped his wedding ring off (he has lost so much weight that I was afraid he would lose it), he waved his hands like NO, put it back on. So, I feel I get little pieces of him. Most of the time he doesn't response at all.

I'll post more later when I have more of my thoughts together.

Monday Morning

2008-03-31T07:06:00.004-05:00

Well, I had to do what I did not want to do. Keith's blood pressure, pulse and heart beat became very irregular last yesterday afternoon. I called hospice and it was decided to put him in the in care unit. This is to try to get everything regular and then we will bring him home.

I'll post more later.

Still Hanging On

2008-03-30T09:39:00.003-05:00

Keith continues to hang on. We are thankful for every minute we have with him. Yesterday when the nurse was here she helped us get his bed changed and get him into some clean clothes. We put his hospital gown on him (he has always hated those and she insisted). I heard him moving around about 3 this morning and he had gotten completely out of it and taken his oxygen off. I asked him if I could get a shirt on him and he did manage to tell me no. I just covered him up and fixed his oxygen tube. He seems easy and peaceful at the moment. Christopher is in with him right now, so it gives me time to update. There isn't much to update. He is still the same, very raspy.

Hospice keeps bring up the fact that I could put him into in house hospice, but I refuse to do that. He wants to be at home and I want him here. If it the last thing, I will do for him, he will stay home. Hospice keeps telling me that according to the book, he is just going downhill. I have been trying to tell them that Keith has never done anything by the book. Last year, when he was doing chemo, they said he should stay at home after the chemo, not Keith. He planned everything out so that he had his chemo on Friday, had the weekend and Monday and was back at work on Tuesday, so I doubt he will do this by the book.

Willie just left and agreeded with me. Keith vitals are stable and he is sleeping. Willie said to just keep him comfortable and he seems that right now.

Rough Night

2008-03-29T05:45:00.003-05:00

Keith has been very unresponsive since about 1 this morning. Last night he managed to eat a little food, but since then has been going downhill. I have called hospice and they will be coming over this morning. His breathing is getting very shallow and he is coughing alot. Also, he has had the dry heaves most of the night.

I think the end is in site and the angels may be coming to take him very soon.

I'll post more when I can.

Please continue to pray for him.

Love,
Suzan

Update: - Hospice has been here twice today. Basically they say that he has started his journey. He has slept all day and sometimes will response by opening his eyes. He is trying to talk, but it is very raspy and very hard to hear. As usual, Keith isn't doing it by the book, but he hasn't done anything according to the book on cancer patients should be. Right now I am trying to get a patch of some sort to ease the pain and nauseous. It is getting hardier and hardier to get the pills down.

Someone forgot to tell Keith - Long

2008-03-27T18:46:00.004-05:00

I was trying to think of a title for this and that is the only think I could come up with. You see, earlier today Keith had been asleep and I had just checked on him. I walked back to my office (at the other end of the hall) and not 5 minutes later I heard him. I turned around to go to our room to see what he needed, but he was standing right outside the door. He had gotten out of the bed and walked to my office. I asked him what he was doing up and he said matter of fact I wanted some orange juice. Thank God, he didn't get to the stairs. Then later today, he did it again with Christine sitting right outside our door. He got up to go to the bathroom. He is settled down right now and hopefully for the night. When I think about it it is kind of funny, but not. He was very proud of himself. He didn't understand what evertyone was so upset about.

I also think I have finally gotten his Green Card straighten out. It took alot of phone calls but I finally found out that there is only 1 place in Atlanta that can do a background check. It is in Chamblee. It is about 25 miles from here, so when he got up the 2nd time today, I was gone to get that. I got all the information mailed to Senator Isakson's office this afternoon, so I hope it is all taken care of. We will see.

Keith has had his ups and downs. Last night, he was standing by his bed with his walker and totally lost his balance and fell. Thank goodness, he wasn't hurt. It really scared me. He fell right between his bed and our bed. He could have hit his head on our nightstand but missed it. I think it was because I was grabbing for him as he went down. I managed to get him up and settled back down. After the fall, he was very confused and didn't know who I was. This seems to be happening more and more. He will tell me he knows I am his wife, but can't remember my name. He never forgets any of the kids though. The biggest thing right now is trying to control both the pain and the throwing up. Everytime he gets up, he starts throwing up. Most of the time he has the dry heaves, but it happens about 3 to 4 times a day now. The Haldol works but the hardest part is getting it down him. The long acting med is working as far as the pain and the break though meds help also. I have had to call hospice to come out a few times. I have decided that everyone is right about hospice. The nurses and care givers are truly angels on earth.

Everyone has asked how I am. I think I am on autopilot right now. I am not getting much sleep. I hear every little move that Keith makes. I am so thankful that Christine is here. She has extended her trip again and will not return to England until the 6th. She and I trade off nights and we both get some sleep. Even then, I don't get much sleep. I don't want to be away from Keith. I want to hold every moment we have left. It doesn't much matter if he doesn't know my name. He knows I love him and he still has a smile for me. I am taking it minute by minute.

To everyone that has prayed for us, called, been there for us, thank you. This past year has been one of the hardest Keith and I have ever experienced. I will speak for Keith also now when I tell you that the love we have felt has gotten us though this and will carry us both into whatever the future holds for us.

P.S. - He did it again about 8:30 last night. He decided he wanted some bacon and eggs. We settled on eggs, but unfortunately they didn't stay down.

One of Our Favorite Songs

2008-03-26T09:11:00.001-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Prf_HKU6PW8&feature=related

This is one of our favorite songs and says everything

New Pictures

2008-03-25T14:56:00.003-05:00

When Tania and Kevin came over this afternoon they had a surprise for us. They had pictures made and I wanted to share some with you. They turned out so good. Enjoy!

Musings and Monday

2008-03-25T11:24:00.003-05:00

Yesterday started out pretty good. Keith was awake and aware of us. He ate sort of good and then as the day wore on he got quieter and couldn't eat much. He tried to eat some Jell-o but it came back up and he finally settled down late in the afternoon. He had a restless night and was up most of the night. I think I finally got him settled down about 6 this morning. Karen came over and he did get his shower,but ended up with the dry heaves and has been sleeping since then. He hasn't been eating today and told me it wasn't going to be a good day.

Last night, when it was quiet, I was asking for God to give me some sort of sign. Anything, just a sign. It seemed later that our room was full of people. I thought I was going crazy but, I don't think I am. At first, I thought I am just tired and then a peace come over me and I knew Keith and I would be okay. He was going to be in the arms of the angels and I would be watched over my him the rest of my life. I choose to believe that God was giving me my sign. My father died 3 1/2 years ago and I actually felt his presence last night. Dad and I were very close and I always drew some of my strength from him. He wasn't perfect,but to me I could overlook him faults. I wish I had that peace today when I woke up. When I woke up, I was angry. Angry at everything right now. I called our minister and asked him if he thought I was crazy. He didn't think so. I want so to believe that I have been given a sign. If this sounds nuts, then so be it.

Tania and Kevin came over yesterday afternoon before Keith started going downhill and I think he enjoyed the visit. Last night a dear friend came over to visit. Jason is a Sgt. with the Gwinnett County Police Department. They got to visit for a few minutes. I told him when he left that I was sure the neighbors were having a field day with a police car in the driveway. Mom laughed and said well, we have have had firemen, ambulances so whats one more. It meant so much to me for him to come by. I have known him since he was in the 1st grade and what a fine young man.

Keith just managed to eat a little oatmeal. Only about 3 or 4 bites, but better than nothing. I 'll post more when I can.

Easter Sunday

2008-03-23T15:22:00.005-05:00

Ryan, Justin and Davis playing the Wii

Tania, Keith, Christopher and Kevin

Caroline (our drama Queen)
Keith, Davis and Kevin
Davis and Papa Keith

We have had a wonderful Easter Sunday. All the kids came over and Mom cooked a wonderful Easter Dinner. Keith wasn't feeling well enough to come downstairs but we all came upstairs and visited. He had started the day so good and then went downhill for a while and then rallied again.I love the picture of Keith and all the kids. He asked at one time for all of them to come upstairs. He wanted to talk to them. I don't know what was said and it is really not any of my business. We had some laughs when Kevin tried a trick with an egg that wasn't suppose to break. You hold it a certain way. Leave it to Kev, he popped it, all over me, the wall and floor. Everyone laughed including Keith. It was a wonderful sound. Earlier this morning after Keith had his shower, he wanted to lay down in our bed. Shadow finally managed to get up on the bed with him and I think they were both happy. Keith said our bed felt so good. He started having the dry heaves so we got him back into his hospital bed with his med's and he started feeling easy. He even managed to eat a little of the dinner.

This is very up and down at the moment. I never know what to expect from minute to minute. One minute he is very aware of everything going on and the next he is in another world.

It scares me most of the time, but I try to reassure him that I am here with him and will be with him always.

I hope you enjoy the pictures. It was a good day.

Saturday

2008-03-22T17:49:00.003-05:00

Keith had a good night last night sleeping all night. He was very aware when he got up this morning and knew right away that Tania and the boys would be here today. In fact, he ate a good breakfast and then decided he wanted to have a shower, put on some shorts and go downstairs and sit in his chair. Between, Christopher, Christine and me, we managed to get him downstairs. Just that trip did wear him out but he was so glad to be in a different part of the house and it was good to see him smile. We brought all the stuff down and he sat there for over 4 hours. Mom and I had to go to Costco and when I got back he was ready to go back upstairs. Willie (one of his hospice nurses) had called and was coming over to check on him so he helped us get him upstairs. He told me he was resting up for every ones visit tomorrow. Mom is cooking Easter dinner and the whole family will be here about 12:30. He is really looking forward to it and said he is going back downstairs tomorrow. He is tired of the bedroom all the time.

Yesterday, it was a beautiful day and he wanted me to open the windows and push him over in his wheelchair to look out. It was kind of funny when he saw the trash can still sitting on the curb. He has always called Christopher CH, so he yelled for him to come here and go get the trash can. Today and yesterday are the longest times he has sat up in a chair. Hospice is telling me that this may be the rally before the end. I am just enjoying this time back with my Keith and I will always remember this. We have had time to talk, just us remembering as much as we can. He did tell me today that he knew I would be okay and I would take care of our Christopher. I think he also knows that his time on this earth is drawing to an end, but he seems at peace with everything. When I have walked into the room the last 2 days he tells me he loves me and gives me a kiss. If I sit on the bed he wants to hold my hand. He has let me cry and puts his arms around me. It is these precious moments that I will hold in my heart to the day I die and join him. He told me yesterday that he will prepare our home, but will make sure I have my Jacuzzi. I asked him: If he thought they have that in heaven? He said he was sure of it.

Please remember Jenni Halley in your prayers today. Brian lost his battle with this horrible beast yesterday afternoon. He was only 35 with a small son and 2 step-daughters. This horrible disease is taking so many people and something must be done. We need more research and education. I think that if we could start with the young about the dangers of the sun, melanoma could be prevented. It sounds so simple. No one needs a dark tan. Enough of my bandwagon.

I hope each and everyone of you have a wonderful Easter.

Love,
Suzan

It's a good Day

2008-03-21T13:17:00.004-05:00

After a rough night with Keith being up alot, we are having a very good day. When Karen came this morning he had decided that he wanted a shower and then proceeded to shave himself and then try to get out of the shower by himself. Karen told him not to, but it took me to get him to. For some reason, he will do what I ask and won't for anyone else. When I finally got him dressed, I was teasing him that he just enjoyed having all these woman taking care of him and he actually laughed. He also agreed. I told him I was remembering everything and pay back was hell. He laughed and said he would vacuum for me later today. I only wish.... I had to go out to the bank and I asked him if I could bring him anything back. He wanted a chocolate shake form Steak N Shake. When I got home, he remembered and drink most of it. So, today is good.

I cherish each and every moment like this because I know it could change in a flash, but right
this moment I have my Keith. He is watching TV and being his old self.

Tania is on the road from Chicago heading here. I can hardly wait til she and the kids get here. We will see them tomorrow. I will pray it stays good tomorrow for her.

I'll try to post more later if I can.

Thursday

2008-03-20T15:58:00.002-05:00

We had to increase Keith's pain med's yesterday from 1 long acting pill every 12 hours to 1 pill every 8 hours. He is now also on the break though med's every 2 hours and the Activan every 4 hours. We also had to start the oxygen because he was having trouble breathing. He had a someone restful night though at 1 he decided to get up. I gave him his medicine and he settled back down. I think I got a few hours sleep. Today has been quiet. He is sleeping most of the time now and is not eating. He ate his last solid food yesterday morning. He is eating Jell-o and Lime sherbet. When I went to check on him this afternoon, he was trying to get up again. He wanted out of the bed, so I got him in his wheelchair and he started having the dry heaves. This is happening just about every time he tries to get up.

I had hospice come out yesterday. It was not their normal day and the first time I felt that I really needed to call them to check him out. The hospice nurse also came out today and said that he was holding his own. They are getting everything ready for continuous care when the time comes.

This morning I got to spend a while with him remembering things that had happened to us over the years. He also asked me to wear his favorite perfume. He said it smelled so good. I cherish the moments that I get him back, even if for a few moments.

I just read Brain and Jenni's blog and Brian is losing his battle quickly. Please pray for him and their family. It looks like Brian will celebrate Easter in heaven.

Various Pictures

2008-03-19T15:11:00.001-05:00

Thoughts

2008-03-19T10:46:00.005-05:00

I started blogging to write my thoughts and feelings down during this horrible time. I am not much to hand write things and my thoughts were and are still all over the place. At some time later down the road, I hope I will be able to re-read what I have written because sometimes I just type and am not even sure what I have put down. To others that read this I hope in some way I have given you a glimmer into what it is like to live with cancer on a daily basis. Also, you see a family that is not the traditional family but one that through alot of hard work has such love and respect for each other.

Keith has given me so much over the last 20 years. When I met him, I had just come from a very bad relationship and basically said no to men, then this Brit walked into my life. We met, feel instantly in love and married. I have never one moment regretted this. I don't want to make Keith out to be prefect, but he is one of the most loving men I have ever met. When he cares, he cares deeply. His family and friends have always been very important to him and he is the kind of person that would give you the shirt off his back if he could. We are very different. Keith can be very quiet and I am pretty outgoing. I hope over the 20 years we have given our best qualities to each other. He has given me our wonderful son, Christopher and though our marriage 2 wonderful additional children (though they really aren't kids). The one thing that has happened in the last 3 weeks is that people that he hasn't heard from in years have written emails to him letting him know how much he helped them in their young career of engineering. I have read everyone to him. I don't think he realized how many people he touched. Many of the emails have brought tears to him and I thank you so much.

He had a rough night last night. Christine slept in the room with him last night and he was up at 3. He really didn't get settled down until early morning. He is very quiet today and sleeping. His voice is very weak and he isn't talking much at all. At this point, I am scared and think he is slipping out of this world and into the next one. Please continue to prayer as we feel them and I know he feels them too.

If this doesn't make sense, I apologize now. Please understand I am all over the place at the present time.

Tuesday

2008-03-18T20:52:00.002-05:00

Keith is being very quiet. Last night, when I gave him his dinner, he could only eat about 2 bites before he started throwing it up. I finally got him to drink a lime freeze (lime sherbet and ginger ale). Thankfully that stayed down and he was able to get easy and go to sleep. He has been enjoying oatmeal for breakfast and this morning he couldn't eat much at all. I finally got him to eat about 1/4 of a sandwich for lunch and he is drinking alot of ginger ale and lime sherbet. He has been out of it most of the day but this afternoon he seemed to rally and even visited with Kevin for awhile this afternoon. He did manage to eat a little chicken for dinner which I got excited about and it stayed down.

His nurse from hospice is on vacation this week and we had a different one today. He said that he is following the dying process and told me what to watch for. I hate this, but I am going to keep him comfortable. Keith is sleeping most of the day, but again every now and then we do get glimmers that he is still there.

Tania is coming Friday. It was an already planned trip and she decided to keep it. She is bring our 2 other grandchildren and I think Keith understands that they are coming and looking forward to it. I am looking forward to seeing them again. My aunt came over to visit this afternoon also. Keith always sees to rally when there is anyone visiting.

I'll post more as I can.

Frustation Plus!!!!!!! - Long

2008-03-17T13:30:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I do wonder about our government. In addition to everything else our family is going though, I am having to fight them. Keith has had a green card for 40 years. He has paid social security, taxes and everything else like all of us do. Keith just wanted to keep his English citizenship so he never got anything but his green card. I was told to apply for his Social Security benefits since he is 64. So, I did. They made an appointment and I went today to discover that his green card had expired. In order for them to pay him the benefits he has to have a current green card. Everything is approved, but they will hold his money until it is current. This is a man who has done everything by the book for over 40 years. I applied on line for his new card and paid the money for it. I called the Immigration office and they transferred me to the department to expedite the card. Well, I got someone who 1. couldn't speak English and then told me he had to talk to Keith. I tried to explain that he could not talk to him since he was in hospice care,had 6 brain tumors and was confused about everything. That did not make any different, he had to talk to him. I just hung up and called our senator's office. The gentleman I spoke to said he understood and told me what to do and hopefully he could get it to go though in a day or two. I explained that Keith wouldn't be able to go anywhere for a picture or fingerprint. He thinks he may be able to get it waved. I don't need this right now, but will continue on.

Keith is weaker by the day. He is sleeping most of the day now. Every now and then I do get to see him. We had a good talk this afternoon about all this mess and he smiled and said I guess we just screwed up on that one. He also remembered that we had made it to our 20th anniversary and had a wonderful Christmas. He said he was sad that we didn't get to go to Tybee Island. It was a short talk but so wonderful to have him even if it only for a moment. He seems to slip in and out of reality and I live for the moments that he is with us. He did know who I was this afternoon. He tells me that he loves me and I tell him all the time. I honestly don't know how he is hanging on, but he does.

Christine has been a God Send. I don't know how I would be doing if she wasn't here. Mom has been so wonderful. Yesterday they decided that I needed some rest and Christine slept in the room with Keith and I slept with Mom. She said I slept hard last night.

I wish I knew why God has done this to us and to this wonderful man, but it is not for me to question, though I do. This is not the life we planned so many years ago. We were going to grow old together. Now I will try to figure out my life again. I don't want to and dread being without him. It just doesn't seem right. If there is anything anyone gets out of this, I hope it is that you stay out of the sun and tanning places. Melanoma is a horrible cancer and takes you little by little. Most people think only skin cancer, but it doesn't just hit your skin.

Quick update

2008-03-16T12:43:00.007-05:00

Keith and Kevin
Christopher, Keith and Kevin

Keith has been having a good day today. Kevin came over today to visit and I managed to get picture with him and his dad and then talked Christopher into one. His pain has been in check today for most of the day even though he is very quiet. He had his long acting med this morning and has only had to have 1 dose of the break though medicine. He is trying to sleep at the present time. He has been watching racing most of the day. His confusion seems to be getting worst. It is hard at times to figure out what he wants. I think he is having a better day than me.

Quick Update:

Keith wants me by his most of the time now and his breathing has become very shallow today. I am more than likely the only one who can notice, but then I watch everthing. At least it is giving me some time to rest as best I can. Today has been hard on me. I don't know why, but it is just a feeling.

Saturday Update

2008-03-15T13:14:00.003-05:00

Keith had a fairly good night. His head was hurting but we finally got that under enough control that he could get some sleep. He woke up and remembered that Judi was leaving this morning. She has been in all the rain we have had today heading back to Ohio. I really hated to see her go. My sister and nephew came over to visit with Keith and it perked him up. He is having a good day today which is given me time to do some much needed house cleaning.

Christopher is spending the day with a friend from church. Doug was Christopher's Sunday School teacher and Christopher is crazy about him. He has been so good to him. They were going to do something with Doug's new truck and then work at the consignment sale at church. I am so thankful for our church and all our friends. They have been so good to us. Food has been brought over and all the support we are getting. Sometimes just a hug means so much.

We have had horrible storms today and tornado's warnings all day today. I am thankful that Keith is really unaware of what is going on. I will be glad when they pass and can stop worrying about anything happening to us. Right now we are okay. There has only been 1 death from these storms and I am thankful for that, but a lot of damage.

Another Day

2008-03-14T10:42:00.004-05:00

Keith had another go round with nauseous last night, but thankful it passed. He was some what awake for most of the day. Even teasing me some. He had a good night and slept. He slept later today than he has been sleeping. He did get up and took a shower and even let me shave him and this time I did a pretty good job. He is quiet today and withdrawing. He did eat some breakfast and I have started using baby cups for him to drank from. They are easier to hold and it still gives him some independence with out having to hold the cup for him. For right now, he is not in any pain he says so hopefully that is in check for the present. Kevin had to go out of town yesterday for a important meeting but got back home last night. He is coming over later today. When everything happened the other night I had called him to let him know what was going on and he came back a day earlier.

Judi and I went to Costco earlier today for her to get gas. She is leaving in the morning. I hate to see her go, but life continues on for all of us, though I feel in a state of suspended animation. This all doesn't seems real. It's like I am looking though a cloud at the moment. I want to wake up and be normal again. I got some Clam chowder for Keith for lunch and he seemed to enjoy it. We went to Bruster's for Ice Cream for dessert. He really liked that.

The break though pain has not been that bad today. He has only had to have one dose of the morphine sulfate. I hope it will stay that way today. He is visiting with Kevin at the moment. I have noticed that the smallest thing makes him so tired. I guess that is to be expected.

We made it though the night

2008-03-13T11:44:00.003-05:00

Keith made it though the night, but is in more pain then before. He is not only having to take the long acting morphine but also the liquid. He is also taking more Ativan than before. He doesn't want to sleep but can't help drefting off. He doesn't have any idea who I am even though he keeps telling me he loves me. I chose to think he knows just can't make the words come out. I just finished giving him his lunch. He still has his sense of humor though. I asked him if he had any idea who I was and he said me. I told him yes, I was 1/2 of him only the better half. He laughed and agreed. He did promise to take a nap after he finished lunch. I hope he does. He wanted all of us to get out of the room and leave him in peace according to him. He said all these women hovering was driving him even crazier. As I said, he still has his sense of humor. So, I thought I would take the time to update.

I had to go to the doctor this morning. When I was pulling him up in the bed yesterday, I pulled my back. My knees were already bothering me, so I was forced by everyone to get them checked out to. Well, I thought I would be gone about an hour, that turned into 3 hours because the doctor decided to make sure I didn't have a blood clot in my leg, so..... he sent he over to the hospital for a ultrasound of my leg and there is NO blood clot in my leg and I have a bum knee. Lots of pulled muscles and very sore. I don't know what he expected since I am picking up a 185 lb man. Anyone would have tired, pulled muscles. He gave me a shot, some muscle relaxants and a wrap for my knee. It is already feeling better.

We continue on 1 day at a time and love Keith every minute. I feel the presence of God with us and know he is watching over our whole family. I can only say thank you again for your prayers and please continue. They help us all. Also, all the comments mean so much to all of us. I read them all the Keith.

Love,
Suzan

Keith's Journey Is Beginning

2008-03-12T17:48:00.003-05:00

This is just a short update. Please continue to pray for Keith. He has taken a turn for the worse and hospice has told us it won't be long. He started throwing up this afternoon and has been in more pain today.

I think his journey to heaven has started and please pray him on his way. He has his prayer blanket and his mothers palm cross. He is at peace and sleeping right now.

I'll post more when I can

Love,
Suzan and Christopher

Everyone got here

2008-03-11T15:05:00.005-05:00

Keith, Christine, Judi and Christopher

Christine and Judi arrived last night about 8. Both tired but as glad to get here as we were to see them. Keith has had a good day. Some friends have called from both Florida and Canada. He cheered up so much when he talked with them. They are both friends that he worked very closely with when Keith was designing rail cars. He has been up today a few times in the wheelchair and has enjoyed visiting. Keith and I have always enjoyed entertaining and having company and everyone's visits have been like a shot in the arm to him. Thank you to all who have come by.

Yesterday when we were waiting on both to get here, I would ask him what he was doing and he said watching the clock. Time, I have come to realize doesn't really mean anything to Keith. I don't mean this mean, but it reminded me of Christopher as a child asking " Are we there yet?", only it was "Are they here yet?". They are fussing at me to sit down and let them do. It is hard for me to let go sometimes when you used to doing everything yourself. I am trying to let them do.

Keith has had a good day and I am so thankful for the days like this. He has shown such an interest in what is going on today. I pray it will continue for him and can enjoy their visit. Also, he had visit from Mimmie and Uncle Joe today. This is my normal for now and I love every minute of it. I just wish I could hold onto and not let go.

Love,

Suzan

P.S. - I cannot get Christopher to smile no matter what I do. LOL

Monday

2008-03-10T11:29:00.004-05:00

So far we are having a good day. He had a quieter night and slept some. The nurse came in and also Karen his care giver. She had instruction for ma not to do anything before she got here tomorrow since I wasn't giving her anything to do. Also, Keith wanted to meet with our minister this morning. Pastor Terry came over and I left him and Keith alone. Keith later told me that he was tried of fighting and hurting and wanted to go. He said he is waiting on his sister and Judi to get here. He has had a good morning and ate a good breakfast and lunch. After lunch, his head stared hurting and he is asleep now.

On a good note, we finally got the remote and he has TV again. YEA!!!!

Please keep the Halley family in your prayers right now. Brian is suffering from brain mets and having seizures. I often wonder if he and Keith will met soon and both be healthy. I have made so many cyber-friends from the MPIP board who are and have suffered with this horrible disease. We have tried to give each other support and hugs when needed.

Thank you again, everyone. We love ya.

Suzan

16 years ago Today

2008-03-08T17:04:00.004-06:00

Today is Christopher's 16th birthday it should be a happy, happy day but.....I can't stop crying. It seems to me that I cry at anything. The way Christopher looks at me, the way Keith looks at me everything. Kevin, Lisa, Tania, Jeff and all their families had given Keith and Christopher for their birthdays tickets to see Bill Cosby. Keith's birthday was last Saturday (the day he went to the hospital). They gave them 3 so we could go together. He is one of our favorites. Well, as you have read, it didn't work out, but Kevin and Lisa took Christopher anyway. I am so thankful that he is not spending his birthday just watching Keith. His cousin is picking him up tonight at 11 to go buy a game he has been waiting on for 2 years. I think they are crazy, but he is looking forward to it. So I hope that he has somewhat a good birthday. We had such plans.

Keith continues to go in and out of reality. We are lucky in that he hasn't had any seizures and I am hoping that they don't happen. He has been in more pain today with his head. The morphine seems to help and then he sleeps. Yesterday, I just layed down by him and cryed. He put his hand on me and told me it would be alright. No it won't. Ever again. Sometimes he knows who everyone is and most of the time he doesn't. He is eating. Better during the day than at night. I get a little sleep, maybe about 4 hours, but it is a light sleep and I listen for everything. He has been watching movies today. Needless to say, Dish Network screwed up. They did send the remote overnight, just not Saturday delivery so Christopher hooked up his DVD player and he has watched Harry Potter all day. I have been able to rest some today, just laying in the bed watching Keith.

My emotions are all over the place. I think I am at my breaking point then somewhere the strength comes and I think I am on auto pilot. I don't want to lose him, but I don't want to see his suffer. I want to just hold him and make it alright and I can't. It hurts so bad for all of us. I had to cancel our reservations for Tybee Island yesterday and call the insurance company for the travel. I am thankful Keith made me get that. It is the little things that you remember that pop in your head. Our trip to England in 1988, he enjoyed showing me his home country so much and he wanted us to go back so much to show Christopher. I promise him I will show him. 16 years ago how happy we were with Christopher's arrival and all the plans we had for him. He is such a fine young man who will always do his father proud. He has the foundation from him and he has his brother and sister. They will help him too. I know I am rambling and am sorry. I have to go back and check on Keith. I will try to update as much as I can. Thank you for all the prayers, food and wonderful visits and thoughts. We both live on them. Everyone has been so wonderful and thank you doesn't seem enough.

The Straw that Broke the Camel's Back

2008-03-07T10:12:00.004-06:00

The one thing that Keith can enjoy right now is the TV. Last night he tried to pick up a glass of Orange juice and dropped it. The remote to the TV was on the bed and completely wet from the OJ. Needless to say, it fried the remote and now the TV won't come on. We have DISH Network and I called this morning to see if someone would come fix it. I got some person in who knows where who said that they could not come until Sunday. To top that off, they put some charge on my bill, I had never heard of and are fussing about the bill. It was a $199.00 charge that no one could tell me what it is. I have finally spoken with a supervisor who has credited off the charge, plus they are overnighting a new remote. It was the final straw of this week and I just let loose on them. Of course, the tears came, but it felt good to release.