Four Words I Hate

The four words are: "just get over it." Why you ask? Because for 2 years, 7 months and 5 days that is all I have heard from very well meaning people. Well folks, I am not "over it" and may never be. How do you get over someone that you have loved for so many years, built a life with and then say it's gone. You can't. You don't display the grief as much but it is like this little feeling inside that never goes away and you never know when it will pounce on you. You know its there just waiting for the moment it rises to the surface and then the tears won't stop. I have learned to hide it well. If I am at work, I run to the bathroom and pray my makeup doesn't give away to tears running down my face, or I have found big sun glasses help. Some days I walk around with swollen red eyes. My excuse is oh I got something in my eye. No one wants to hear "I'm crying because I miss my husband." I just don't think 20 years of loving someone can go away that fast. Also,maybe because no one knows what to say to you. It really wouldn't matter even done out of love it won't help. Let me grieve, let me miss him and all his quirks that I loved. You see when you lose the person you love, you don't just lose him, you lose you way of life and everything you had worked so hard to build. You go from being a couple to a oneness in a second. You have no time to prepare for it. They are there 1 second and gone the next.

My life has changed from security to no security, from my own home to someone else's. I think the hardest thing is not having someone you really trust to talk things out with and help make decisions with. I miss  so many things about Keith. His kindness to anyone, the way he balanced me out and his funny British quotes. I would give anything for 5 minutes with him, but I know I am not the only one with that feeling. There are so many of us that would love to have 5 minutes more with their husband or wife.

Now it is time for another change that I am glad of, we are moving back to Atlanta. It is home and maybe the comfort of surrounding things will make it better. Life right now is full of changes and I hope good ones.

I will be with people that I love and love me. I will be back at my church which I plan on being at as soon as we get home.

Well that is my rant for the day. Hope you understand but right now my little black monster that lives in me everyday has decided to raise it ugly head and my eyes are red and swollen again. At least it's my day off.