Re-Defining myself - Long

I have been trying to define myself the last few days. It seems that the definition of who Suzan is has changed over the last year. Last year and before I was a business woman working in a business I loved. I had after many years found my niche. I love the flooring industry. Getting tile dust all over you, designing a backsplash to go with the granite you just helped someone pick out. Looking at cabinets and seeing a new house come together with your designs in a kitchen, bathroom or anywhere. I even helped a man make a chess board out of his basement floor. It was wonderful. Someone would come in the shop with a budget or an idea and you make it happen. I had found my calling and talents I didn't even know I had. Then when it was finished and you saw the pictures or someone said thank you for making their vision real, it was a wonderful feeling. I miss it, but right now I know I can't go back. It seems to me the definition of Suzan at the present is: "Wife of cancer patient," "Mom to Christopher," "Daughter of Amy". What happened to Suzan? I feel my life is on hold. The what if's keep getting in the way. What if I go back to work and Keith gets worst. I will have to quit again and take care of him. What if Mom gets sick--- I have to take care of her. What if? So, I guess I have to accept the new definition of me now. I am now a woman who is taking care of a sick husband, my mom, son, 3 dogs, 3 cats, fish and a house. There are days I really don't mind the new definition of Suzan and then there are days I HATE it. Today seems to be one of those days. My plate is so full and I am so tired, that I wish I could just run away and leave it all behind, but I know I would be back and miss them all. I am just going though a bad time this week and more than likely I will feel entirely different next week. I know I have so many things to be thankful for. Keith is still doing good, Mom is fine (actually remarkable for her age), Christopher doesn't give me any problems, but there is always the What if? Then there is the question of if I am paying enough attention to Christopher and how is he handling all this with his Dad. He keeps most of it inside and doesn't let me see it. He worries about me and trys to be the man of the house and he is only going to be 16 next month. Last night, the people next door were making some wierd noises late and Christopher came in the room to ask if I knew what it was. Well, I think they were moving some stuff since there was an U-Haul in the driveway. He wasn't okay with my answer so the next thing I see is him with his BB gun (unloaded) going outside to check so that his Mom and Nana would be okay. He didn't want to wake up his dad. We both stopped him, but he wasn't happy about it. He felt he had to take care of us. I worry about my other 2 children and how they are taking their Dad's illness. They are older, and Keith's from his first marriage, but I love them both like they were totally mine. We don't talk about the future much with them, but we all now what is going on.



Sorry this is so down, but I had to get this off my mind and this seemed the best way. Maybe I will get some answers and the real answer of What Am I Now?