I had to come home earlier today because Christopher didn't have any clean clothes. I had to wash clothes for both of us. When I was folding everything up, Keith's shirt from the last week he worked was in the basket waiting for me to iron it. I just lost it. I have always ironed his shirts and as crazy as it sounds I enjoyed it. I would pop a movie into the DVD and just iron. It was always my Sunday afternoon movie time. I walked into our closet and just looked at his clothes. I wanted to scream, THIS ISN'T RIGHT, THIS IS UNFAIR, I HATE THIS!!! As I write this tears won't stop coming. I think of all the wives and husbands that have lost their spouses to this horrible disease and I realize that I am not alone, but I would bet that each and everyone one of us feel we are. I keep looking for him to come home and give me the Hi Ho, I'm home, but it isn't there.
They are coming tomorrow to pick up all the hospital equipment. I dread that too. It means that Keith really isn't coming back home, but somewhere there is someone who needs it and it is selfish for me to keep it here.
Keith had a good day. He slept and smiled when we told him the story of the manager at the Captain D's were we went to lunch. He was funny and had us laughing. It was good to see him smile.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
This can't be happening
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3 comments:
You can lose it any time you need to. Your laundry made me think of Rachel last week. She rushed in to tell me she had no clean socks. I was so overwhelmed with everything, I just looked at her and said, well, don't wear any. It was in the 30's, so she didn't think that I had given her a reasonable choice. She just looked at me. Then I said, well, find some that look clean. She was shocked that I didn't figure out how to bail her out, but I was just emotionally exhausted, and didn't feel like thinking about laundry!
Be easy on yourself. Everything you do right now is actually difficult, except for loving Keith and Christopher. Just spend your time doing that as much as you can because that is what feels good, everything else is just yuck.
Take care of yourself.
Jenni
((((hugs)))) I am so sorry that you are having to go through this Suzan. Words fail me this morning, but know you have my heartfelt prayers and love.
Bless your heart ...you are going through so much. When the appointed time comes Keith will be surrounded by perfect love, an amazing family and I can assure you he will not journey alone. God bless you dear.
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