I sit here and think about all the wives that over the last 6 months have lost their husbands. First there was Tammy, then Liz, Jenni and now me. These are the ones I felt close to. I told them I was thinking of them and praying for them, but I think I secretly thought Keith is beating this. He won't be one of them or so I thought. But deep down I knew that one day I would join this club that none of us wanted to be members of. I thought I had prepared myself, but You can't ever do that. It is the little things that creep up on you when you least expect it and make you cry. I think I need to tell Keith this and then I remember he isn't here, so I tell him anyway. I go to make a call on my cell phone and see his number. I look in the den and see him sitting in his car. Everywhere I turn, Keith is there.
Yesterday, Kevin and I went to Carmax and sold Keith's car. Kevin had taken his car to his house after the stroke. I couldn't bear to see it. Everyone was saying that maybe I should keep it for Christopher, but he didn't want it either. It made sense to sell it. I haven't been able to do anything with his clothes and I can't take my rings off. Maybe soon.
Christine left Thursday and made it home okay. I spoke with her yesterday and she is tired and trying to get caught up on 6 weeks of stuff at home. Christopher is back at school and Mom is too. I am tired, drained and feel empty. My emotions and nerves are raw and when I alone I cry at the drop of a hat. I try to be better when Christopher is home. I have no desire to do anything, but I force myself. It helps to stay busy. There is a video that we made at Christmas of Caroline and Christopher. There is a bit of Keith talking on it and it may sound crazy but it is a comfort to hear it every now and then.
So if this is the face of grief, then I am it and I don't wish this on anyone. The pain is raw and deep.
Monday, April 21, 2008
How do you put a face on Grief?
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9 comments:
Do not push yourself too hard...a little is good. You can wear your rings as long as it feels good and right to you. I have read and the hospice social worker suggested that I write to Brian, just journal my feelings. I am trying that to see if it will help. As for the clothes, I am overwhelmed by them and also distraught at the thought of getting rid of them. It all is so sad. Just take the time you need. Be sure that Christopher is involved too so he feels comfortable (as he can) about the changes. I am so sorry this has happened to you. I agree, I always thought it would not be me. My support and encouragement and prayers were genuine for you and Tammy and Liz. I just chose to put it out of my head that it would be me one day. I am not motivated to do anything. I hope that changes soon. I am having trouble finding a life to go back to because what I knew is gone and there was so much chaos for so many months before Brian died that there isn't a stablility there. The best advice I've received...just take one minute, one hour, one day at a time. That seems to be working. And it is ok to lose it sometimes, even around Christopher. You loved this man and you need to grieve your loss. Look to Keith for comfort, he'll still be there for you.
Jenni
Hi Suzan:
I am so glad you posted, I have been checking and checking and been so concerned and worried for you and christopher.
Baby steps one foot in front of the other that's the best you can hope for just now, be kind to yourself.
Please know your in my prayers.
Joy
You're not crazy. When my Dad died I happened to have saved a voice mail from him where he said "Call me when you get a chance. I love you." My Dad rarely said I love you so it was special and I kept it. After he passed I listened to it a LOT! Now, 4 years later, it's on a tape and I rarely listen to it. Oh, I can still hear it in my head and I know it's there if I want to hear it with my ears. You're not crazy. Grieving goes the way it goes. Don't try to force it or control it. Be strong when you're able and not when you're not. Love yourself through it. It's ok.
I don't know why you shouldn't always keep your rings on. My heart goes out to you Suzan. I cannot imagine how difficult it must be and how heart rending. MY Todd is 17 years older than myself and I know that I will probably be in your shoes at some point as well though and I dread the day. Just take it one step at a time Suzan, and rely on the great healer of all hurts to strengthen you and help you. You and the family continue to be in my prayers. XXOO
You don't have to get rid of the clothes. There are quilters that can take pieces of the clothes and make them into a quilt. I am doing this for my mother for mothers day. It will make her feel close to my dad without having to look at a full closet of clothing. Don't rush yourself!
What a fabulous idea about the quilt. Suzan, you don't know me, but I followed your story and just letting you know I feel for you and was thinking about you. Things will feel better, it just takes time.
Still thinking of you Suzan and your Christopher. I hope that you are managing through each day. It is never easy - your life is just different now and there is a huge void. Bless your heart !! you are thought of daily
Suzan,
I think you should always wear your rings. I am sorry that you are in pain. I hope that eases some day, I am sure it will. I am afraid, like you were, I know I will be joining you girls some day, I have no idea when, but each day, I see Geoff suffer more and more and I want to scream & cry, but we just get through that day and face the next one in the morning....take each day as it comes, that is how we live our life now, we don't think down the road, that is how I am managing too.
I agree, I don't think it will be me...but deep down, I know it is going to be, no one seems to escape the stage IV for too long.
Anyway, I hope each day starts a bit brighter for you, and try not to worry about clothes, etc now.
When my mom died 13 years ago, my dad wanted things left until he was ready to have them changed, it happened 7 months later and it was much easier for us kids to deal with and for my dad.
Take care
Maureen (MPIP)
Suzan, some good advice has been shared with you already, about taking one minute, one hour, or one day at a time. Don't rush it. And who cares if you cry--that's the best way to feel better, and if people don't like it, that's their problem. I'm still thinking about you and sending prayers your way.
Elaine Miles (Tammy's Aunt)
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