I know that Thanksgiving is coming up but I am having a hard time finding what I have to be Thankful for. I have been so depressed for over a week now. Maybe it is the holidays coming up and not having any answers. Maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself. I think this whole year has caught up with me and right now I am not dealing with anything very good. I feel like I am having a total breakdown. I seem to cry at the drop of a hat. I was watching The Waltons the other morning and I found myself crying at a stupid television show. What is wrong with me? This is not like me. Everyone thinks I am so strong, but right now I don't feel very strong or anything. I feel like I just want to find a corner and hide or sleep. Even that isn't giving me any peace right now. Keith doesn't understand and why should he, I don't even understand it. I went to church today and found myself just wanting to run. I feel that God has turned his back on me and has given up on me. My faith tells me that is untrue, but my mind is so messed up with all these emotions. All I want is my life back to normal. I want my husband healthy again. I want my own house again. I thought we would have started our dream home by now, but then cancer raised it's ugly head and we can't make any plans. Our anniversary is Wednesday and all I can think of is that this will more than likely be our last one, our last Thanksgiving, our last Christmas.
I am sorry this is such a downer, but I wanted to let some of my feelings out.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Sunday - Warning: Downer
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4 comments:
Oh Suzan, please know others care for you and wish you did not have this cross to bare. I know it's not fair and the fight is very tiring and draining. I would think it would be difficult to stay positive with everything you have been through. After all you are a human being. I can't imagine all the feelings and concerns and frustrations of such a horrendous role you have been given. My heart goes out to you. Maybe you just need to cry, what else can you do? I know God loves you. Your family and friends love you. You have been so good to take care of everything. Could you have someone help you? I hope so. You have to take care of yourself first. Please don't feel guilty about thinking and taking time for your own needs. How can you help others if you are depleted? My prayers and good thoughts are with you and your family. May angels comfort your heart and peace be your friend. Love you - Rhonda
Hei.
I really understand your feelings - most of all because I had them my selfe a year ago. I thought that that was my last christmas - but here I am - still working full time:). My husband and me have deciced to enjoy life - if not ...mel winns anyway. We make plans...all the time. And mostly we manage to go throug with them as well - in between scans and treatments. I remember I met a famous college of me 1 1/2 a year ago at the airport , it was a friday - we had a very good talk , she asked me about my mm and how I was handeling it mentally (she's a famous psychologist) - and the next monday I read in the newspaper that she had had a heartattack and died 51 years old during the weekend. So you never knows what is around the next corner - So please enjoy all the time you and your family get.
Take care - Anna
Hi Lovey:
Do you want to go to lunch or coffee?
Why not have a little drive up to Sugar Hill, I will be at the office Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, we can get together and you can just talk. Besides which, it's time you and I actually met face to face!
You have my number, call me.
Joy Williams (your friend in the tile business)
Suzan,
I am so sorry for your pain. I could just about have copied and pasted that to my blog after the hellish 11 days I've had with Brian in the hospital. Our anniversary is Jan. 3, and all I can think about is this being our last Thanksgiving, Christmas, and I hope to God he lives to our anniversary. This is an awful thing that we are going through. I feel the same way about God, but know that He has not abandoned you. I keep wondering why he hasn't stepped in and stopped this, why if we have been so faithful, has this not changed the course of Brian's illness. Those are questions I will stand in line someday to ask God once I get to Heaven.
I am seeing a counselor, which is a tremendous help, if anything, she doesn't tell me how strong I am, she just acknowledges how well I'm dealing with things and how much this hurts. I am also on an antidepressant, which has kept me from crying every moment of the day.
People have told me to make these holidays the best. We have three young children, and I feel such a heavy responsibility to make special memories.
Know that you are in my heart and prayers everyday. Where there is life, there is hope, so keep fighting and keep living.
Jenni, wife of Brian, stage IV melanoma
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