Snow Pictures

 Tree Line

 Shadow still loves the snow even if he is a grumpy old man

 This just turned out weird.

No More Rants - Just Observations

The last few days I have spent really thinking about my life the last 2 years and some months. It seems that all the time from 2007 when we found out about Keith's cancer to now, I have lived in some kind of a dark fog. I have ignored the ones I love, which is unforgivable and hurt people not meaning to. I think I was lashing out at everyone who tried to get anywhere close to me again. I realize now that instead of letting you in, I locked you out because I was sure I would get hurt again and my heart was so bruised that it couldn't have taken anymore licks.

During all this time, I have had a very hard time with God. I have always had a deep faith, but this God that took away Keith wasn't someone I wanted to follow anymore. I yelled at him, and fought him, but you what he just wouldn't leave me alone. I keep pushing him away, but he would not leave my side. I remember the poem about him carrying you when you couldn't do it yourself. You know he is probably pretty tired these days from carrying me for so long. I guess what I am I saying, is we made up or at least I did to him. I know he was never really mad at me, just the opposite.

The fog is finally lifting and I am looking forward to the next phase of my life. Being home will be wonderful and working again will be great.

If anything good has come from the last few years it is the fact that I have grown deeper in my faith and I know God walks beside me now everyday. The old hymn says: "He walks with me and he talks with me." That is the relationship I have with him now. This has been a long journey and I hope the fog is lifting and I will see the sunshine again.

I know that I will still have my days, but I can also be assured that I will get though them with his help. So, bring it on.

P.S. - Keith if you can read this from Heaven, don't forget your promise to me. I love you darling and will see you again I know.

Four Words I Hate

The four words are: "just get over it." Why you ask? Because for 2 years, 7 months and 5 days that is all I have heard from very well meaning people. Well folks, I am not "over it" and may never be. How do you get over someone that you have loved for so many years, built a life with and then say it's gone. You can't. You don't display the grief as much but it is like this little feeling inside that never goes away and you never know when it will pounce on you. You know its there just waiting for the moment it rises to the surface and then the tears won't stop. I have learned to hide it well. If I am at work, I run to the bathroom and pray my makeup doesn't give away to tears running down my face, or I have found big sun glasses help. Some days I walk around with swollen red eyes. My excuse is oh I got something in my eye. No one wants to hear "I'm crying because I miss my husband." I just don't think 20 years of loving someone can go away that fast. Also,maybe because no one knows what to say to you. It really wouldn't matter even done out of love it won't help. Let me grieve, let me miss him and all his quirks that I loved. You see when you lose the person you love, you don't just lose him, you lose you way of life and everything you had worked so hard to build. You go from being a couple to a oneness in a second. You have no time to prepare for it. They are there 1 second and gone the next.

My life has changed from security to no security, from my own home to someone else's. I think the hardest thing is not having someone you really trust to talk things out with and help make decisions with. I miss  so many things about Keith. His kindness to anyone, the way he balanced me out and his funny British quotes. I would give anything for 5 minutes with him, but I know I am not the only one with that feeling. There are so many of us that would love to have 5 minutes more with their husband or wife.

Now it is time for another change that I am glad of, we are moving back to Atlanta. It is home and maybe the comfort of surrounding things will make it better. Life right now is full of changes and I hope good ones.

I will be with people that I love and love me. I will be back at my church which I plan on being at as soon as we get home.

Well that is my rant for the day. Hope you understand but right now my little black monster that lives in me everyday has decided to raise it ugly head and my eyes are red and swollen again. At least it's my day off.

Some recent picture

The Pictures aew from various thing mosting Christopher's graduation and Thanksgiving. Hope you enjoy them.,

Happy New Years and here's to 2011

I am finally getting my wish. On January 24,. we will be pulling out for the last time and heading back to Atlanta. I know I will never look back on these 2 1/2 years with anything good to say about them. There have been some good things happen. My present job as example. The people are helpful and friendly and I have enjoyed working with my clients. I will miss them the most, but fortunately I will be at another Jenny Craig Centre. There is much more room for advancement with a corporate office than a franchisee.

Christopher and I have been talking about the Peachtree Road Race and we may enter it. I may be the only one walking and will finish last I'm sure, but it goes with my exercise plan. You can't very well talk about it and not do it, so I will buckle down this year.
Well here's to 2011 and whatever it brings. Two things I now are 1. God is always right beside me.
and 2. He will always pick me up when I fall.

I hope everyone has a wonderful and blessed 2011.

Good night friends

Monday

I hope that everyone had a good Christmas and are looking forward to 2011. Christopher and I are looking forward to it very much. The house in Bells has sold and we will be moving back to Atlanta by the end of January. We are both very happy and can hardly wait to be back with our family and friends. I am just excited to be also back in my church.

So many things have happened since we have been here. Some good, but mostly bad. They say that hindsight is 20/20, so I know that I have learned from these mistakes and they won't repeat themselves again. It has been a healing place. It has managed to put Keith's illness and death in the right perspective, but it will never change the fact that I wish he was still here. The memories are both happy and sad. I choose to remember both knowing he was a man who made mistakes too.

Christopher has joined the Navy and will be leaving for Boot Camp the end of July. When that is over then it is off to Charleston for anywhere from 6 months to 2 years. He was accepted into the NUKE program. It is a very hard school to get into and I am so proud of him. His plans as of today are to finish nuke school then go to college ( the Navy will let him do this) and major in nuclear engineering. When he graduates he will be a commissioned officer. He is thinking of making a career of the Navy.

I am working at Jenny Craig in Jackson and will be able to transfer to an office there. Before all that we have to pack up the house. We still have some boxes we didn't unpack from the move here.

I will keep you informed as it moves along.

Dear Keith

Dear Keith,

• This will be our 3rd Christmas apart and I wish I could say it gets easier, but I would be lieing. I know you are well now and spending your days talking with God. What is he like? I have to say that my faith has become deeper and more meaningful to me. I miss you everyday and think of you always. Your son has grown up to be such a fine young man with such a future ahead of him. He has joined the Navy and leaves for Boot Camp in July then to Nuke school in Charleston. You would be so proud of him. You always loved it when you were right. Well, I am not a country girl. We have sold the house and are moving back to Atlanta the end of January. I am praying that Mom does her part and gives me some of the money that is owed me for the stuff I did. Maybe she will. Christmas hasn't been the same without you. I see you in the kitchen "helping", waiting for the kids to get here, all out desserts, and the Trad. British dinner on Christmas Eve. Darling, I miss you so. I hope you are having a wonderful Christmas in heaven and Grandmama and Aunt Sissy have made a wonderful dinner. Someday we will be together again.

All my love,

Suzan

From my devotions today

"Grief is different for a follower of Christ. Even in the depths of sorrow, hope breathes. Hope that you will see your loved one in heaven. Hope in God's capacity to infuse sufferine with hope. And hopethat because of  his healing power, your sorrow will not go on forever."

This is my prayer. I am learning to walk hand in hand with both my grief and knowing that it gets easier everyday. Christ is walking with me too, leading along my way though the good days and bad. I don't feel guilt anymore when I laugh, I know Keith would have laughed too. They are leading me to healing and acceptance.

My relationship with God has grown stronger and stronger and he is with me on a daily basis now. He helps comfort me when I miss Keith so bad it hurts. It gets better everyday, slowly and steady.

Have a wonderful day

Why I wear black

Things going on

Well,we have much goings on here and I felt I needed to blog some. First, I AM NOT GETTING MARRIED. I realized it would have been a big mistake and was doing it for all the wrong reasons. That being said, we are trying to sell the house and go HOME!!!!! Atlanta. I can hardly wait to get back where I belong. I am a big city girl who enjoys the comforts  of being able to find anything I need anytime.

That is not to say that I haven't learned some life lessons from living here. Some have been good and I have met some very nice people. But I will say the bad has out weighted the good. When you realize the mistakes you make it is time to take stock and make some changes. I need my life back, which I know doesn't include Keith in the physical means, but he will always be there with me. I listened to God and got enough signs that I actually said " I get it". This place can never be my home and I don't want it to be.

I have a job now If you can call it that. I work for Jenny Craig in Jackson. One of the benefits is I have lost weight. It has made me realize that even though I will always miss my darling husband, I do have a life and alot to give to a company. I know I am a smart woman with many years ahead of her.

There are days that the pain of losing Keith are as great as the day he left, but I try to put one foot in front of the other and keep going. Many days that is hard. I now have my good days as well as bad and take the good with the bad. If I want to cry I cry. It doesn't last as long as before. Nights are still the hardest. I still have trouble sleeping and that is when I miss him the most.

Now with the holidays upon us, I expect more tears than usual. As I have said before it was always our favorite time of the year. I know I will survive as I have the last 2.

So hopefully soon, the moving truck will be here and we will be packing for the last time and heading back to beautiful Atlanta.

All for now

New Blog

I have started a new blog about my life now and what has happened since we moved here. If you would like to check it out the address is: www.suzanslifenow.blogspot.com

Just Click on the Wording

New Video and they have changed how it is put on the blog. Just click on the second second

Various Pictures from all over

Various Pictures from all over

I didn't realize it had been so long

Things are going about the same here in big old Bells. I did find a part time job back in the spring and it has been fun. I am just working on the weekends at a place called Gander Mountain. They sell all kinds of stuff for outdoors. I have learned more about hunting than I ever wanted to know, but I have met some great people and that has been a benefit. The job ends this weekend and I will miss everyone. So, I am back to looking. One thing I have found out is everyone here seems to be in heath care one way or another. If you need a job in that field it is wide open other than that not much.

After being here also 1 1/2 years I do know the country isn't for me. I hate the fact that you go 15 miles to get anything or you are stuck with the little store here which has nothing and you have to watch all dates on packages. Believe me I have picked up things and then had to take more back than I like. I am dieing for a PUBLIX and Boars Head sandwich meat.

The house is finished but it is a constant upkeep. I would settle for an apartment and no yardwork or things breaking all the time.

Since this Sunday is my last Sunday to work, I am know going to start looking for a church in Jackson. I have been to the one in Bells and it isn't for me. I think Jackson will be more suited to my liking.

We went home Christmas and as usual I cryed when we left. I am just not a country girl so I miss the lights and feel of Atlanta.

Well that is the condensed version of life right now. I'll add more later.

Storms

We had some bad storms this past weekend but no damage that goodness. We have had the craziest weather this winter and spring. One day it is in the 70's and the next in the 50's. I had said in Atlanta that if you didn't like the weather wait a minute and it will change. I think it applies even better for this part of the country. During one of breaks in the storms I was out walking my dog and saw the clouds. I can only say that they were beautiful and mad at the same time. Of course I got my camera and got some pictures. Then when I turned around I saw the Iris. I thought out of the storms you can always find something beautiful. It reminded me of how Spring really is and how I need to remember that. I keep trying.

Well, I got a job, but I left after 3 days. Selling cars is not for me. The 3 days I was there all they were trying to teach me was now to cheat the public. When I told them it wasn't for me, they said I must have to high morals. My comment back was "Thank you, I take that as a compliment. So I am back to looking, but with a calmer approach now as I know when the right job comes I will know. I have put it in God's hands.

My faith is coming back. I don't think I ever lost it, just forgot because I was so mad at God. I still mad but I know now that instead of turning away I am turning to him. I am finding some peace. I still cry and miss Keith everyday but there are times I can feel his presence with me. No, I am not crazy. I just don't think until you lose someone you dearly love can you totally understand that.

I have found the best thing is just staying busy and making myself do things is the best. There are stilll days that I just don't want to talk to anyone and if you call and I am short please understand I just might not be all there that day.

One Year Today

Dear Keith,

One year ago today I lost you. I cryed that day and today I have cryed. I remember your smile, your touch, your hugs and your greeting everyday when you came home. I remember our home and the love that was there and I miss you more. You gave me strength and courage and were always my champion in what ever I did. You forgave my faults and there were many. You were always there. I miss your phone calls in the middle of the day when you called just to say "I love you". Those were special days and 20 years wasn't enough.

I think about the game that kids play called "Do Over". If I could go back and do over I would have made the hospital do a CT scan when we went to the hospital 2 weeks before the stroke. If they had would they have found the tumors then and given us enough time to start treatment. Did I let you know enough of how much I love you? Did I tell you enough times on that last day? Do you know now what a fine your man your youngest son is becoming and what he wants to do with his life? Do you know I start a new job tomorrow? I know what you would say. Give it all you have and more.

I remember I holding you in my arms that last week. I remember crawling up in your bed and just wanting to hold on to you always. I remember looking into your beautiful eyes and trying to keep my dignity when all I wanted to do was scream NO This isn't real and he will wake up in a few minutes.

Darling, I miss you and I love you still so much. I am thinking of you today but I do everyday.

All my love always,
Suzan

Interesting Week

This week has been an interesting to say the least. It started Friday night about 2 in the morning with the dogs barking. I got up and went to the back door and nothing was there so I went back to bed. Well, they started again only this time at the front door. When I got up this time there was 2 kids pounding on the door wanting in. They said that someone was shooting at them (remember I live in the country). There was a truck outside and the kids car was in the ditch. There was no one shooting at anyone, but we would not let them in. We called the police and they already had a report . Well, it turned out hat they had been out destroying mailboxes. The police arrested them which turned out to be 4 kids aged 14 to 16. The next morning when I finally got up I went outside to find that our mailbox was totally destroyed. I really thought they had some nerve to pound on our down when they had hit our mailbox too. It is really sad for the families of these boys. We found out that they are from good families and have been doing this for quite a while. Saturday night they hit 61 mailboxes and they think they have done more and also knocking down street signs. The policeman we talked to said they had really messed up their live. The parents are going to have to replace all the mailboxes that were destroyed. The funny part is we don't have a mailbox and have a bucket on the post now. Thank goodness we have a good mailman. One of the perks of a small town.

Things seemed to calm down then yesterday when I was bring Christopher home there was a cow in the middle of the road. I went ot tell the owner but by the time I got back Christopher said the cow jumped back over the fence. Well this cow was determined to get loose and when I went out later and came back home she was out again. This time she just walked down the road like she owned it. I went back to the family that owns them and we had a nice visit. According to them she does it all the time.

Next week is Spring Break. Christopher and I had planned on going back to Atlanta but I start a part time job next week. At least it will give me something to do.

This has been also a hard week. This was the week Keith had gone to hospice care and April 6th is one year. I have trouble believing it is almost a year. How I wish he were still here.

I hope next week is a little calmer and no cows or midnight knocks at the door.

Christopher, Our Little Paper and More

Christopher and the Band

When School started this year Christopher really didn't have any hope of playing since there is no orchestra, but what he didn't know was there was a rumor going around school that they had someone who played the cello. He tryed to lay low but one day someone heard him taking about it and he got caught. They asked him to join the band and he decided to. He first played the bass drum and being in a band is much different than an orchestra. He had to learn the bass drum, marching and much more but he seemed to enjoy it. After football season was over he went back to the cello.

He got to play the cello in both the Christmas concert and the Spring concert. At the Christmas concert he played both the bass drum and cello. The nice thing about all this is he has gotten very interested in other instruments and has started playing both the guitar and the keyboards.

This morning in all our rain and ice I went to the store for milk (yes we were really out) and picked up the little local paper. When I opened it the band was on the front page and if you look at the right of the picture you will see Christopher. He is the only one with a cello. He hated the picture but as a mom I have to brag. He doesn't like his profile. I scanned it the best I could so I hope you can see it.

We have had the strangest weather here. As you know we had snow (a lot) and then it went up to 80 so I was in shorts and now it is in the 30's with rain and ice. Of course in all this our heating went out and it is freezing. I really didn't mind it last night, I like to sleep when it is cool. Luckily we have someone coming out this morning to get it fixed (I hope).

Lately it has been hard for me. Maybe it is this time of the year but I find myself crying alot. It was this time last year that Keith was in hospice and the memories keep flooding back when you least expect this too. It never seems to get easier and I miss him more today than ever. There are times I just want to talk to him. It is hard being a single mom and I never really realized how much we parented together. I wish I could just ask am I doing okay or complain about having a 17 year old who think he can do whatever he wants too. I find I have to reel him back in. All I can do is the best I can and hope it is right.

I am still looking for a job and have a couple I have heard about so keep me in your prayers. I really need a job if anything just to stay busy.

Sunday something funny happened. I got a call early from someone on the other side of Jackson asking if we had a small dog missing. I told him we had given one away last summer, but he said my name was on the tags and he had tracked me down. Mom and I went over later that afternoon and now we have Callie back. I will never let her go. She had lost weight and was so tired. We have no idea how she got lost from the people we gave her too but to bad. If they didn't take better care of her then they will not get her back. I have to admit I had regretted giving her away anyway so I was very glad to see her. She had eaten and eaten and not let any of us out of her site.

Well, I better get busy and go to the store before it gets really bad. Sasha needs food and only likes one kind. Fussy Princess

Job Hunting and Musings

I have decided to change my attitude and hope that I can come to enjoy this place again. This winter has been a hard one and my attitude went downhill fast. Things seem to be looking up around here. Jason is getting better and the fighting has stopped. Please continue to pray for his recovery. Hopefully he will not go down that horrible path again.

I may have a job. It is in the same field that I have been in. So I am keeping my fingers crossed that it will work out.

Christopher has made alot of friends and is enjoying school. He has taken a major interest in music and is playing in a band now. It is a rock band and he is playing the cello. Go figure. They have a talent show at school and the band will make its debut at that. He has also started playing the keyboards, bass drums and guitar. I ask him the other day if he was thinking about music in college and no he is still leaning toward medicine. One day its one thing and the next something different. His friends are very nice and I have had the oppointunity to met some of the parents. It is nice to finally met some people. We had a beautiful snow this past weekend and enjoyed it. Thank goodness it didn't last very long and get messy.

I know I have said this before but I promise I will try to do better with my blogging. I just haven't had the energy or feelings to do it. If I had posted anything it would have been negative and I am going to try to start looking at the good God has given us.

I know there is a reason he has brought me here and hopefully one day I will figure it out. I still want to go back to Atlanta, but the timing isn't right, right now so I will stay put.

Happy Birthday, Keith

Today is Keith's 65th birthday. It has been a hard day when I think of all the other birthdays. We always had our tradition of going out to dinner and the birthday person got to pick where we went. This is the second year we haven't done anything on his. Last year he was in the hospital and my nightmare had begun.

The memories came flooding back today of all our years together and the fun we had. I still feel married and hate the term "widow". I look at my children and know they are hurting too.

I hope that Keith is celebrating his birthday with all the family members that have gone before him and he knows that we are thinking of him today and loving him.

Yesterday I thought of him and how he and Christopher would have been in the snow playing like they were both kids and yelling at me for either coffee, hot chocolate or hot tea. We always had either the American warm up or British warm up. We would have watched old movies and had a fire and hoped we didn't lose electricity. He would have reminded me of the winter we had the ice storm and I cooked breakfast on the grill with Tania making a picture of me with 2 robes on and 2 pairs of slippers. I was a mess but we all laughed. Snow time was family time for us. It was always alot of fun and this year all it did was make me sad and want that back. I miss being a wife. I am having to redefine what I am and I don't know anymore.

I am reminded of a line from the movie "Ghost". The love you take with you. Well, Keith you are still in my heart and will always have my love. Happy Birthday Darling.