Today is Christopher's 16th birthday it should be a happy, happy day but.....I can't stop crying. It seems to me that I cry at anything. The way Christopher looks at me, the way Keith looks at me everything. Kevin, Lisa, Tania, Jeff and all their families had given Keith and Christopher for their birthdays tickets to see Bill Cosby. Keith's birthday was last Saturday (the day he went to the hospital). They gave them 3 so we could go together. He is one of our favorites. Well, as you have read, it didn't work out, but Kevin and Lisa took Christopher anyway. I am so thankful that he is not spending his birthday just watching Keith. His cousin is picking him up tonight at 11 to go buy a game he has been waiting on for 2 years. I think they are crazy, but he is looking forward to it. So I hope that he has somewhat a good birthday. We had such plans.
Keith continues to go in and out of reality. We are lucky in that he hasn't had any seizures and I am hoping that they don't happen. He has been in more pain today with his head. The morphine seems to help and then he sleeps. Yesterday, I just layed down by him and cryed. He put his hand on me and told me it would be alright. No it won't. Ever again. Sometimes he knows who everyone is and most of the time he doesn't. He is eating. Better during the day than at night. I get a little sleep, maybe about 4 hours, but it is a light sleep and I listen for everything. He has been watching movies today. Needless to say, Dish Network screwed up. They did send the remote overnight, just not Saturday delivery so Christopher hooked up his DVD player and he has watched Harry Potter all day. I have been able to rest some today, just laying in the bed watching Keith.
My emotions are all over the place. I think I am at my breaking point then somewhere the strength comes and I think I am on auto pilot. I don't want to lose him, but I don't want to see his suffer. I want to just hold him and make it alright and I can't. It hurts so bad for all of us. I had to cancel our reservations for Tybee Island yesterday and call the insurance company for the travel. I am thankful Keith made me get that. It is the little things that you remember that pop in your head. Our trip to England in 1988, he enjoyed showing me his home country so much and he wanted us to go back so much to show Christopher. I promise him I will show him. 16 years ago how happy we were with Christopher's arrival and all the plans we had for him. He is such a fine young man who will always do his father proud. He has the foundation from him and he has his brother and sister. They will help him too. I know I am rambling and am sorry. I have to go back and check on Keith. I will try to update as much as I can. Thank you for all the prayers, food and wonderful visits and thoughts. We both live on them. Everyone has been so wonderful and thank you doesn't seem enough.
Saturday, March 8, 2008
16 years ago Today
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3 comments:
Oh my gosh Suzan! I am in shock as I read your blog, and humbled by you checking in on us when things are going so terribly for you. I have practically been a prisoner in my own home for the last several weeks because I can't leave Brian for even a minute since he has been having mini-seizures here and there. Everyone in my family is sick, and even Brian's mom, and even I got it with no one to take care of me. I had to laugh at your punch in the gut with the OJ and the remote...how do things like that happen to people like you? In the midst of me being stuck at home, our laptop is acting up and I basically got cut off from the outside world all week with no computer.
Which is why I had no idea what has gone on in the melanoma world at the Hallam house. I was very distraught when I read your posts, seeing how fast things have happened. I hope you can find support from hospice, they have been a Godsend to us. Just go ahead and put yourself on auto pilot, it works ok for me.
I am so very sorry. I will be checking on you often, and you can email me if you need to. Know that I am here for you.
Jenni
halley@embarqmail.com
Oh honey, I so much wish I lived closer to that I could wrap my arms around you and just be there for you. I cannot imagine in a million years how this all feels for each one of you. I have cried many tears over this for you and have spent many hours on my knees. I continue to spend time on my knees and hope that what may be will be in peace and that you will feel His comfort and His love in all things. Sorry about Christopher's birthday. Cherish the memories and know that this final act of love is the most precious gift that a loved one can give to another. God bless you all,
PS Suzan, I meant to add that when you do bring Christopher over to England you always have a place to stay with us here at Oak Cottage. I would love to have you here with us.
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