I started blogging to write my thoughts and feelings down during this horrible time. I am not much to hand write things and my thoughts were and are still all over the place. At some time later down the road, I hope I will be able to re-read what I have written because sometimes I just type and am not even sure what I have put down. To others that read this I hope in some way I have given you a glimmer into what it is like to live with cancer on a daily basis. Also, you see a family that is not the traditional family but one that through alot of hard work has such love and respect for each other.
Keith has given me so much over the last 20 years. When I met him, I had just come from a very bad relationship and basically said no to men, then this Brit walked into my life. We met, feel instantly in love and married. I have never one moment regretted this. I don't want to make Keith out to be prefect, but he is one of the most loving men I have ever met. When he cares, he cares deeply. His family and friends have always been very important to him and he is the kind of person that would give you the shirt off his back if he could. We are very different. Keith can be very quiet and I am pretty outgoing. I hope over the 20 years we have given our best qualities to each other. He has given me our wonderful son, Christopher and though our marriage 2 wonderful additional children (though they really aren't kids). The one thing that has happened in the last 3 weeks is that people that he hasn't heard from in years have written emails to him letting him know how much he helped them in their young career of engineering. I have read everyone to him. I don't think he realized how many people he touched. Many of the emails have brought tears to him and I thank you so much.
He had a rough night last night. Christine slept in the room with him last night and he was up at 3. He really didn't get settled down until early morning. He is very quiet today and sleeping. His voice is very weak and he isn't talking much at all. At this point, I am scared and think he is slipping out of this world and into the next one. Please continue to prayer as we feel them and I know he feels them too.
If this doesn't make sense, I apologize now. Please understand I am all over the place at the present time.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Thoughts
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6 comments:
Keith, Suzan and Family,
Again, I keep close to you with my thoughts, my heart and my spirit.
Anne-Charlotte
An RTP Colleague
My heart goes out to you, Keith, and your family and friends at this very difficult time. I am so sorry.
Concentrate on this sentence... "To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did"
When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better. Concentrate on this sentence..... 'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.'
Hospice gave me a book, Gone from My Sight: The Dying Experience, by Barbara Karnes. I hope it is ok that I share a few points with you for your journey with Keith that seem to be making sense to me, as Brian is slipping away.
With this withdrawal comes less of a need to communicate with others. Words lose their importance; touch and wordlessness take on more meaning.
There is literally one foot in each world. Focus is changing from this world to the next, they are losing their grounding to earth.
I have focused on both of these points right now, and I hear from you that you are seeing the same with Keith. It is bringing me some peace to know that I can just hold Brian and touch him and be close to him, and that all he needs is to feel that. It makes me feel better about not being able to actually talk to him much, because I know right now that our connection is deeper than ever. It also brings me peace when he is sleeping constantly to know that his body is trying to get itself ready for Heaven.
I have learned that losing your husband can make you crazy, I cry all the time. I can feel your anguish, and I can only hope that we can both find peace (and that maybe our husbands will bump into each other in Heaven!).
Love and prayers from Missouri,
Jenni, wife of Brian, stage IV melanoma
Chris, Susan and Keith,
I have been keeping your family in my thoughts and prayers.
Beth Kaye
MUMC Orchestra
I wish so much I could be there to hold your hand Suzan as you go on this frightening and very sad journey. For Keith, the joy of knowing He will soon be touching the hands of the Master must be tempered with sadness of leaving all those he loves behind, and I know how very much you will all miss him. Thank goodness that families are a gift from God and eternal. I am touched everytime I visit your page Suzan and the hearfelt prayers of Todd and myself go with you every day.
XXOO
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